A high level of rapport between coach and client is essential for an affective coaching partnership. Without it little can be achieved. There is nothing particularly magical or special about gaining rapport - no mystery here - it is the most natural thing in the world and most people are in high rapport with friends, family and colleagues at least some if not most of each day.
You know when you have it. It's great, time passes quickly, there is a buzz in your relationship, it feels smooth. You also know that it can go surprisingly quickly and jagged frozen ice can return to a conversation due to a misunderstood word or even a look in the eye. These comments are ridiculous generalisations, rapport comes in all shapes and sizes. They are a common characterisation though, and helpful to ensure most readers quickly get what this is about.
I was once lucky enough to hear Dan Goleman, author of "Emotional Intelligence" and "Social Intelligence" speak about his work. At the end of the talk I asked him what he thought the key to EI was, and he answered "self-awareness", without hesitation. I have found that this is the key also to doing more with rapport.
A high degree of self-awareness is almost the antithesis of normal rapport, which is something that happens unconsciously most of the time. However, if you allow rapport to arise with intention, you can also notice how it is working, and then practice finding the edges of it through your questions. If you can explore a tough issue, while keeping rapport high, you can help your client deal with some significant learnings in that state. To do this well, it is absolutely imperative that your self-awareness and and ability to manage your own state of mind is very high.
You can also use the memory of things achieved while in rapport to influence your client's behaviour in between coaching sessions.
If your role as a coach is to stretch, challenge, and help someone to grow in their own life, and the outcome for them is useful in business and relationships, understanding and using rapport will help you a lot.
Don't be fooled into thinking that this aspect of coaching is easy, or to be dismissed. A coaching partnership is a dynamic relationship and there is intention, there is a learning goal. A good coach will need to practice self-awareness and know how to make best use of their own mental and physical resources in order to be really affective. Self-preparation before a session (for me) is not about what we are going to cover; it is about relaxing, becoming open and quiet, so that there is space for my attention to be fully placed on both myself and the client in the meeting.
It can be useful to have a theory about what the issues might be, but this can also lead you astray, so if you use pre-judgement, hold your judgements very lightly and open-mindedly. It is for the client to say what is right and wrong, and pre-judging is often a mugs game! Let it be a starting point only if you need one.
The structure of a coaching session could be described in a number of different ways. From the point of view of state of mind and relationship, I use this:
Self preparation
Greeting and allowing rapport to build
Wait for the client to open
Deepen the rapport to work
Noticing the client's state, change my own to end working (they will follow suit, normally, especially if they agree that we are done)
Hold rapport until parting.
Self preparation, to gain distance
Write notes, break attention.
The rapport continues, in a number of different states of mind, throughout the session. I have "lost it" by pushing too hard, giving my own opinions too early or too harshly, not having it in the first place. All could be classified as not listening to the client well enough and not having the self-awareness to spot the bear pit coming up on the path!
What is rapport?
The word "Rapport" is a noun. That means we think of it as a "thing" - something you have or don't have, something that can be created.
Reflecting for a moment, you may realise you can also see rapport as a verb, something that you do rather than a noun, an object. Rapport describes the process that happens, normally unconsciously, between two beings (it can be with your dog or cat!) as they come into synchronised states.
In most meetings there is a certain quick and shallow rapport; at its deepest level humans have been shown to experience high internal mental and physical congruence - our brain waves are shown to synchronise to each other and even our biochemical systems.
So what we are using the word rapport to describe is the process by which human beings invisibly lock into deep interpersonal relationships. It is pretty magic.
No doubt you have heard the fireside wisdom that you cannot change another, only change yourself. Well I would amend the comment slightly to say you cannot help but influence others, its just that how they are influenced is normally their choice not yours.
I have most poignantly noticed this effect through bereavement. If you have lost, through death or the ending of a major relationship, someone loved, then you may also have experienced the sudden loss of their synchronisation with you, their presence both physical and in your thoughts. In these circumstances the loss of rapport is experienced as a physical and emotional shock, and boy do you change quickly. Well, I did.
Reflect on what this might mean for a coaching partnership, and how the process of growth works in a relationship like this.
As I move through this blog series on coaching I hope you will come to appreciate the power of choice, and key role coaching can play in helping clients become aware of alternate choices, sometimes better choices, better strategies for profit, better strategies for people, better choices in relationships and so on.
It is all about becoming aware of choices. For the coach, becoming aware of the process of rapport, and understanding more about how it works, how they influence and change the state of rapport for working, is a crucial foundation stone for a successful practice.
The theory, however, is all very well. Go and practice!
That is it for rapport for now. There is more to say in the next blog on building and using rapport.
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