At the heart of the issue is the ability of the coach to gain rapport. Once established it can be used help the client change, to lead a change of energy, for example either to reduce stress or to raise enthusiasm. It can be used by an adept coach to gain emotional engagement with an important issue for the client.
How do you create it?
I have never been convinced by the idea of deliberate physical matching. The idea is that people in rapport are in sync, and body language, tonality, expression, volume, energy all start to match. While the observation of this clearly true, I have always found attempts to match me rather obvious and they tend to put me on alert for manipulation rather than make me feel at ease.
It does work if you want to break rapport; it is pretty easy to get out of an unwanted conversation by using opposite/disengaging body language.
I have found two principles from my own experience which I have found very useful however:
- Within the confidentiality of a client coaching session, accept your client as they are without judgement.
- Learn to focus your attention on the whole presentation you are receiving, including noticing how it is delivered.
It is probably the hardest thing to do, in reality, as the urge to judge, to disagree, or to listen to and add your own opinion, is strong in many people. The approach of acceptance counselling it is called "unconditional positive regard" and comes from a useful assumption that your client, regardless of how well things are going, is always doing their best.
Acceptance of the person as they are has to be really meant, it is not something easily feigned, so it needs to be geniune. This does not mean you will not have some tough truths to discuss. However you have to earn the right to be heard and the starting point for this is to listen enough such that you understand as fully as possible, before working.
You may need to think about whether you can unconditionally accept yourself without judgement , before you will be able to be like this really well with clients.
The second bullet requires a quiet mind and a broader focus. Attention should be to body language, facial expression, tone of voice, colour, volume, pace of speaking, and hand movements as well as their words. A strategy I use is to broaden my focus to take in the whole person, and a good way to do this is to notice their breathing rate and see if you can match it. Doing this can take you deeply into rapport very quickly and it is a lightly meditative technique that quiets the mind naturally and tends to allow the awareness to expand. Try to notice and use the same language: seeing, feeling, hearing language signals can easily be picked up and emulated.
It does take practice. You can try it on the train, quietly and without intrusion, observing your fellow travellers and trying to get a sense of their breathing. I also look for mixed messages when doing this - things that contradict can be good clues to hidden information. The expression "I am very confident about this" supported by a very defensive bit of body language, is interesting.
A genuine and non-judgemental interest, coupled with quiet and broad attention to your client will tell you a lot and very quickly get you into their energy zone. You will be surprised how quickly genuine rapport builds.
If you pick this information up well, and use it in your coaching, the listening and understanding of your client will go up and up and up. Milton Erikson, the famous medical hypnotist and psychiatrist, suggested using 100% of the information one is given, and considering 100% of the problem. It is a very useful suggestion.
When you have it, by, in neuro-linguistic programming terms, pacing the client's state, you can then gently lead the energy during your session, to your client's advantage.
Try it and let me know what you notice.
No comments:
Post a Comment