I've been waiting forever, which means you never cared

Well now, it has been some time since my last post on aspects of communication.  I hope you all had a good break and can forgive and forget the period of reflection I seem to have been in.

This time I pick up on on a real bad boy of communication confusion;  universals (let's nail them, once and for all!)

"Do you know, I just don't think things will ever change around here." Says the senior manager, staring, with dejection, into a plastic cup of stinking semi-hot coffee substitute.  "We always attract the wrong customers and wrong employees, so your idea just will not work; it will fail like all good intentions."

"Oh my", says her boss, feeling the fall of hope like the jerk of a physical drop, "why do you always think that way, it reminds me of every argument we have, you don't have a shred of positivity in you, do you?"

Universals are the blunt heavy weapons of a row.  Ever, forever, always, all, every, none, not a shred!

As you read through the words of these imaginary colleagues, you can quickly get a feel for their great, big, huge barriers.  The first speaker as a response to some unspecified call to action; her thoughts betraying a quick exit for all energy and motivation.  The second showing the size of her frustration with the first colleague.  Here we have actions and people being bludgeoned flat with universal words.

Generalisations can be such a naturally useful way of sifting through the complexity of life, but watch your words (and the words of those around you), as they powerfully affect potential for positive change.  They also tell you a lot about the way colleagues perceive their world and their choices.

More positively, the thoughts and behaviours they mark out are learned, and can be unlearned!

A good example of the way psychologists look at universals to indicate a person's range of choice comes from Seligman's work on learned optimism.  He uses three universal dimensions to gauge an optimism or pessimism score (a measure of the level of each in your character).  These are;

• time (I tend to think of problems as likely to last forever)
• pervasiveness (I tend to think that problems will affect me in every part of my life) and finally
• size (I tend to think that problems will have a big impact)

Simply put, universal language can betray someone who is anticipating very generalised consequences, limiting their likely choices towards running for cover, or fighting for a way out.  I.e. triggering fear or anger with the thoughts.

There are two points I want to make here, which can be useful to be aware of in your coaching:

1. The extreme conditions that universal language suggest, often the most extreme, are of course possible, but are the least likely to prevail.   Always?  Unlikely.
2. The second is that their presence is often a signal that the speaker is challenged by the circumstance, and more emotional (fearful or angry) than when less challenged.  You hear it more commonly in a row, or about a difficult new venture or change at work.   The sense of universality can be stored in the emotion, which can trigger memories of past occasions when similar things have happened, and "add up" the history of difficulty for the speaker.

In relationships this can be the result of past experience of difficulty in resolving problems due to the way of thinking.  I.e. universal thinking can self-perpetuate problems, and over time the feelings can become more sabotaging.

As coach, there are a number of ways to deal with universals:

1. Respect the speaker to be telling the truth.  Ask more questions and elicit if they are truly experiencing the challenge as universally difficult, or is it simply the words.
2. Find out about the size of the underlying fear, the pervasiveness, the future fear and what past occasions seem similar. 
3. As you keep rapport, gently challenge the universals by finding evidence to the contrary.

For example, if you hear someone say "My boss is untrustworthy, he is always trying to get one over on me.  I can never trust him."  You explore in this way.  "Ok, I understand that you think your boss is never trustworthy.  I can see that your life must be made more difficult by the lack of trust you have for him.   What specifically don't you trust?  When was the most recent occasion?  What did you think was his real motive?  What told you that was the case?" 

Then change direction.  "When you get on best with him, what is that like?  Ok, so sometimes, when you are getting on with him well, do you still distrust him at that moment?" etc.  Pausing, listening and gently reflecting back evidence to the contrary.

I might gather this for a while and then explain how universal language can be both helpful and unhelpful and sum up what I have heard them say..  "So, you feel your boss is always trying to get one over on you.  Yes?"  "Yes".  "But recently working on the so and so situation, you got on really well and felt you were on the same wavelength and you trusted that exercise.  Yes too?" "Er...yes"  "So, always?"  "No OK, not always, but most of the time!"  "Fair enough!"  

At this point there is a bit of an untangling of the sense of forever and the specific is ready to be examined.  "So tell me, what is different about the time when you don't trust, and feel you are being duped, and the time when all is well?  Tell me the specifics?"  "When you were last in a situation where you distrusted his motive, what other motives could he have had?"

A useful exercise here, is to get them to role play the situation as them, as their boss, and as an independent observer.  Use three chairs positioned in a triangle and get them to move chair.  It will help them get different perspectives, and unpick the unhelpful universality of their view, revealing creative choices.

The point of this post is to help you understand how sometimes, people place their own word barriers in the way of their choices.  By working with universal thoughts, the specific occasion, time and context can become lost, generalised out of the picture.  There is always more choice available, and, taking a rock hammer to the mountain of forever, one can normally find a few new pathways into the problem. 

"Ah", I hear you say,"you say that you don't judge, and yet your building of rapport is just a pretext to show your judgement gently to your client, which means that you are really manipulative!"

Ah, my friend, this complex equivalence of created meanings is the next sharp rock to skirt in the swirling winds of verbal confusion through which we sail.  It is the next buoy to tack! The subject of my next post.

I hope your weeks are totally awesome, you never look back with regret or sorrow.  May your cups refill perpetually, and your profit know no limit.

Nick