Insignificance

Hi Coaches

On the PB Entrepreneurs blog today I posted an article, with the same title as this, about inhibition.

I have been thinking about significant people and what holds back that magic connection you can sometimes get and both this and the Entrepreneurs article are part of the result.  This one is for you and is more about method and structure for bringing out inhibition.

Firstly - why am I writing?

Maybe you won't agree with this.  I have long known about repression and inhibition, and in my own life been aware of problems on the inside.  Although, when I look back on the resolution to these through my own coaching I can see that I then was able to move forwards in life, I had not fully connected the two aspects.

Here is the thought.  When something is not right on the inside, but you haven't realised or admitted it, you can also stop making positive decisions and driving yourself forwards in life.  Recent difficulties in my own business, which are all resolved but during the process in which they played out were painful, led me to decisions to change my role.  I had thought that all these changes were positive, and they were made for good and valid reasons.

However when a colleague was talking to me about it recently (coaching me) I realised also that the painful side of the experience had left me inhibited, and less prepared to lead.  I had withdrawn.  As a consequence I had placed myself on a less significant path.  I was being less connected to others.  I was setting up a more muted state.

The realisation and admission, made with some emotion, was a tremendous thing.   I was left refreshed and ready to dive back in.

This led me to thinking about my clients and of course a higher level of realisation of the damaging effect on their energetic action of hidden problems.  It also gave me an insight into the very high value of the accepting coach/confidante, who can facilitate expression of hidden truths.

This can be done in a simple strategy workshop - the chance to speak about what is really wanted in life. Often it happens at a deeper level in a personal coaching session, where deeper anxieties can be realised and spoken.  The act of speaking is often cathartic, comes with an emotional shift, and although not always fully understood from a rational perspective, it nearly always releases action back on the path of a life of energy and purpose.

Hope that makes sense....here is the structure:

Coaching is a process that allows clients to move through these important stages with their issues:

1. Disempowered state Their energy is suppressed for some reason, and they feel anxious, frustrated, angry and often express a lack of success.   They can be more withdrawn than usual, they don't participate, they offer their opinion less, they can appear to be demotivated about important things or distracted.
   
   This is the state they are often in when they call.  Prior to meeting you they are alone with their problem and either unaware but not effective, or are aware in some way, but not sure of the issue.  Sometimes they are completely unaware of a problem but others are, and a referral may be suggested by a friend, colleague or boss.
   
   Clients begin self-disempowered in some way.  Choosing to see you is a move towards regaining their power.
   
2. The significant things are hidden
   Clients start to work with you but the real issues are hidden.  Clients are aware of something, but it's a mess of feelings and images that they cannot express.  We might say the issue is hidden, or inexpressible.  You may notice they present with trivia.  It is important to notice this and remember that it takes a while for honesty to arise, and often this is because they have not yet brought into their own consciousness what the real problems are.  There is certainly fear of disclosure, and that leads to people saying trivial things in the first place.
   
   Coaching approaches at this stage vary.  It is fundamentally important however to create a "state of safety" for your client.  This includes building rapport and exercising non-judgement (see my earlier posts on this blog).  Non-judgemental, active listening and gentle questioning are vital and a recognition that a state of not-knowing can take a while to work through.  Be patient and know that if you can facilitate some understanding it is worth every penny to your client to be with you.
   
   I might use intuition tools, questions and response, drawing, grovian questions, and metaphor.  I would suggest that working with images (either in imagination or using drawings) with suggestion can be very powerful.  Working on beliefs or life purpose are two great ways to access deeper inhibitions.
   
3. The issue cannot be spoken
   The next stage is realisation but fear of saying the truth out loud; fear of real admission.
   
   As coach it is important to recognise the fear of disclosure that most clients face.  These fears are irrational because we all share them to some degree, and of course we are all human and share our fears.   However, we can also imagine the childish and irrational fears over admitting something that we feel humiliated about.
   
   Part of the issue can be because deeper issues are normally wrapped up in strong feelings.  Most cultures and groups have social rules about not expressing emotion, especially for men.  If there is even a little emotion connected to an issue, there can be fears both of that being seen by another and it being an access to all sorts of pent up stress.  The fear of being overwhelmed by emotion and displaying it publicly are significant.  They are a major cause of inhibition.  Be aware of it and use your words carefully to make sure it is not just acceptable but welcome.  Also allow your client to move past it quickly.
   
4. I can say it to myself
   The next major step forwards toward regaining power is recognition within the client.  As coach you may not be privileged to hear what has been realised in words.  However you will see it happen if you are observant - a shift of colour and of expression betraying deep emotion is often evidence of deep realisation and inner change.
   
   This can be enough for your client.  They know what to do suddenly.  You move onto working out how to do it.   Well formed goals and forcefield can work well here.
   
   As coach if you see something shift like this, don't be inhibited yourself.  You have no right to insist on being told what has been realised but feel free to ask!  If needed be prepared to work in code to get confirmation.   I recently had to suggest to a client that they closed their eyes to say what had been realised to me; out of the eye line and hidden from view I existing slightly less to them, just enough of a shift to allow expression.  These are subtle things; be prepared to break eye contact or use eye contact to redirect their gaze away from you.  It is less intense, more private and may allow the words to come out.
   
5. I can say it to another
   Nearly the final stage on this issue for the coach, your client admits the issue to you and you are now able to facilitate a fuller understanding of the issue and help them reframe their beliefs about it and frankly to think differently; to gain even more perspective.
   
   It is a real privilege to receive disclosure.  It implies a relationship of deeper trust, and there is a consequent obligation to support the next step.
   
   With clients you can quickly get into the "now, where, how" tool, helping them to set up their goals and think about the type of solution they want.  The "Desire x Vision x Planning tool" (DVP) may still be needed to gain sufficient motivation to deal with the issue outside of coaching.  This brings me to the final stage.
   
6. I can say this to whom I need to
   The final stage of each coaching programme is help your client get better action and implementation going.  Fundamentally this means them gaining the energy and momentum to go and deal with their issues, without "losing it".  You will all know how to put together a great plan and know that "how you go about it" is rich with choices for better outcomes.

Stage 1 and 6 are without the coach.   The rest normally occur within the privacy and safety of the coaching circle.

I hope you don't feel this post is trite.  Of course many issues are dealt with naturally all day long without need for serious coaching support.  Coaching is relevant for the ones that are real challenges for our clients, and we all know what it is like to wake at night with deep anxieties about life and what is to come.   I am always surprised to hear clients whom I regard as highly successful people admit they do not feel successful and are filled with self-doubt.

No doubt we can all recall times when we were seriously stuck and needed help.  I hope these ideas about the structure of coaching are helpful to your work in helping others!  

Don't take it too seriously or too lightly ;-), coaching is an enigma, but it is not an insignificant activity.  I wish you more significant weeks.