Sounds bleak, eh. This is a sentence I hear a lot from coaching clients. It can be about colleagues, family or friends. Such statements often come with very strong emotion, and are presented as absolutes - as one way out only statements. And yet this is being said to the coach, not to the other party. It may therefore be being presented for review, and not be as absolute as it sounds.
As coaches, our role is to help clients. Specifically it is our role to help them look at their choices and help increase the range and quality of the options they have. So we need a way into such rigidly placed barriers and this post considers a few:
- Nominalisation
- Complex words, and
- Literal and inferential style contrasts
Nominalisation
This refers to the natural process of making concepts. For example, words like faith or religion, words like science or research, even words like universe or garden all refer to concepts. The process is natural and useful in language to take a series of ideas and put a word around them to create a reference point and short cut we can all share.
One of the short-comings of this is that it is often used to describe activities and in so doing to make them a noun rather than a process or verb. For example, "a partnership" sounds like a thing. It will even (in business) have a legal document that looks like a thing. Clearly it is not a thing, you can't touch it or wheel it around in a barrow! It is a process, a network, a group of people working together for some common goals and in accordance with some shared reference points for decisions.
Where nominalisation can become a problem is that it suggests something that is fixed. Our "relationship" can be seen as a "thing" that is "not working". It has somehow become externalised and fixed in its nature. Things seem fixed. Fixed means unchangeable. Seeing things in this way can reduce your sense freedom of action, and practically restrict the choices you make.
What can the coach do? Just check in on the client's language. Remind them that a relationship refers to the way they are relating, and that of course, as a verb, this describes a series of open choices. They can change their choices about how to relate in a near infinite variety of creative ways that may help.
Complex Words
One of the short-comings of this is that it is often used to describe activities and in so doing to make them a noun rather than a process or verb. For example, "a partnership" sounds like a thing. It will even (in business) have a legal document that looks like a thing. Clearly it is not a thing, you can't touch it or wheel it around in a barrow! It is a process, a network, a group of people working together for some common goals and in accordance with some shared reference points for decisions.
Where nominalisation can become a problem is that it suggests something that is fixed. Our "relationship" can be seen as a "thing" that is "not working". It has somehow become externalised and fixed in its nature. Things seem fixed. Fixed means unchangeable. Seeing things in this way can reduce your sense freedom of action, and practically restrict the choices you make.
What can the coach do? Just check in on the client's language. Remind them that a relationship refers to the way they are relating, and that of course, as a verb, this describes a series of open choices. They can change their choices about how to relate in a near infinite variety of creative ways that may help.
Complex Words
Well there are a few juicy ones in the preceding section: relationship, partnership, colleague, love, science, religion, agreement.
What do they mean? Yep, you're right. They mean different things to different people depending on a heap of unknowns - context, experience, state of mind etc etc.
Complex words are forms of nominalisation, and for the sake of argument may be taken to refer to higher level concept collections. Science, for example. I am not sure it is a misuse of the word to say something like "What has science to tell us about this?" but I am also not sure it really means anything - its felicity is to allow virtually any meaning which pays us all in to the conversation.
It is useful to say "let's start a partnership", "let's start a company", "I would like you to become a director", "let's get married", "you're a great partner", "I love you!"
All of these generalise the intention and allow the parties to agree. However the words are not specific. Partnership for you means working 1800 hours at £300 per hour on client work. Partnership for me means managing the business and no client work. Love for you means flowers and candlelit dinners, love for me means sharing all the chores.
Complex words hide the specifics, they are great for agreement at high level, but difficulties will reside in the detail. Beware!
As coaches, it is always to helpful to draw to the surface the specifics. When a client says "Our relationship is just not working" you help them draw out the detail. "How are you relating? What is it that you want - specifically? What does your partner want, specifically? Do you know? Have you checked? Tell me about the last time you were unhappy about something specific?"
Of course this can work the other way up.
For example, if a particular choice has caused a row, you can often find that the higher intention was shared. If the higher level intention is the same (e.g. protecting our firm) we can at least see that we our values seem to be the same and respect each other at this level. It is just the specific choice we need to discuss.
What to suggest to clients? Well there is no substitute for talking the issues through and turning over the specifics. Often doing that with a third party present (coach, colleague, counsellor) can help keep the confusion level down. It is only fear and courage that prevent conversation and a bit of help on how this can work, or better ways to approach it, can often overcome the worry that a conversation will develop into the same old row.
Literal or inferential styles
Complex words! As a final thought for you, it can be worth thinking through this common style difference. For example if I say "I am thirsty" the literal mind responds "He is thirsty!" The inferential goes a step further and infers intention - "He wants me to make him a cup of tea!" Do I? Are you sure?
If you find yourself becoming irritated about apparent intentions, it is just worth checking if you are inferring these or if they are real.
As I head off for that cuppa I'll leave you to think just how easy it is to get into misunderstandings over some of these fundamental word confusions. Even my cup of tea is really a process, and the marketing man in me wants you to think about whether what I am about to get out of the experience is the same as you would? If not - it must be tough for a cuppa to be a noun, eh? Thinking of the whole process of "tea" from start to finish (thinking about tea, to the washed-up cup) I wonder which part you enjoy the most. I hope that is creatively confusing for you all.
Nick
What do they mean? Yep, you're right. They mean different things to different people depending on a heap of unknowns - context, experience, state of mind etc etc.
Complex words are forms of nominalisation, and for the sake of argument may be taken to refer to higher level concept collections. Science, for example. I am not sure it is a misuse of the word to say something like "What has science to tell us about this?" but I am also not sure it really means anything - its felicity is to allow virtually any meaning which pays us all in to the conversation.
It is useful to say "let's start a partnership", "let's start a company", "I would like you to become a director", "let's get married", "you're a great partner", "I love you!"
All of these generalise the intention and allow the parties to agree. However the words are not specific. Partnership for you means working 1800 hours at £300 per hour on client work. Partnership for me means managing the business and no client work. Love for you means flowers and candlelit dinners, love for me means sharing all the chores.
Complex words hide the specifics, they are great for agreement at high level, but difficulties will reside in the detail. Beware!
As coaches, it is always to helpful to draw to the surface the specifics. When a client says "Our relationship is just not working" you help them draw out the detail. "How are you relating? What is it that you want - specifically? What does your partner want, specifically? Do you know? Have you checked? Tell me about the last time you were unhappy about something specific?"
Of course this can work the other way up.
For example, if a particular choice has caused a row, you can often find that the higher intention was shared. If the higher level intention is the same (e.g. protecting our firm) we can at least see that we our values seem to be the same and respect each other at this level. It is just the specific choice we need to discuss.
What to suggest to clients? Well there is no substitute for talking the issues through and turning over the specifics. Often doing that with a third party present (coach, colleague, counsellor) can help keep the confusion level down. It is only fear and courage that prevent conversation and a bit of help on how this can work, or better ways to approach it, can often overcome the worry that a conversation will develop into the same old row.
Literal or inferential styles
Complex words! As a final thought for you, it can be worth thinking through this common style difference. For example if I say "I am thirsty" the literal mind responds "He is thirsty!" The inferential goes a step further and infers intention - "He wants me to make him a cup of tea!" Do I? Are you sure?
If you find yourself becoming irritated about apparent intentions, it is just worth checking if you are inferring these or if they are real.
As I head off for that cuppa I'll leave you to think just how easy it is to get into misunderstandings over some of these fundamental word confusions. Even my cup of tea is really a process, and the marketing man in me wants you to think about whether what I am about to get out of the experience is the same as you would? If not - it must be tough for a cuppa to be a noun, eh? Thinking of the whole process of "tea" from start to finish (thinking about tea, to the washed-up cup) I wonder which part you enjoy the most. I hope that is creatively confusing for you all.
Nick
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