Am I good enough? Non-judgement and self-acceptance in Coaching

At the heart of a coaching partnership is acceptance, without judgement, of my client.  In order to hold this attitude, I must also accept myself without judgement.  This coaching note is about non-judging, and seeks to address the question "am a good enough?" with a wholehearted "yes!"

As I think about what to write about this, I quickly realise what a huge subject this is.  So for now I am going to limit myself to a few sources for the thinking and then a quick parting comment.  I believe non-judging and self-acceptance are hard to achieve and I hope the following makes sense for you.

Why is non-judgement needed in coaching?
Judging, criticism, contempt, scorn - so often are the daily meat and drink of life.  So attuned are many people to rights and wrongs of others, that they read criticism in each expression (or think they do).  And more painful and challenging than the external voices, are the internal ones; echo's of learned attitudes, past errors, failures, regrets; often disguised in the remembered tones of past authority.  Yet our voices, my voice, I, am talking to myself!

So many people come to see me damaged and dented.  They wear toughened and scratched carapaces for protection from the outside world.  And despite these protections, they can still hear the internal voice of doubt and scorn.  Self-doubt and self-scorn that undermine potential; holding back honesty, and action through fear of pain.

And what is on the inside, governs what comes out into the world.  From a critical internal world it is very hard to be non-critical of others.  From a cold and lonely internal world, it is hard to give warmth.  From an internal world that is fractured and unfamiliar, it is hard to listen with stillness and attention to the inner world of your client.   From a fractured self-confidence, it is hard to stand firm and let go of fear.

There is some good material on this in Deepak Chopra's "Seven Laws of Spiritual Success".   In the "Law of giving" he says and I paraphrase, what you pay attention to in your life will grow and flourish around you.  If you want receive money, be generous, as giving and receiving are just alternate parts of the same flow of energy and by taking part the flow increases rather than stagnating.  If you want love, be loving.  If you want happiness, bring happiness to others.   Watch out!  This is generalisation and while I have often found the comments above to be useful, I am not saying they are truths.

If you want something more scientifically validated than the philosophical Chopra, read Martin Seligman's "Authentic Happiness", for research based psychological material.  In here you will find that "judgement" is just one of a wide range of  "signature strengths".  These read a little like philosophical virtues, and in Seligman's psychological research, 25 are suggested.   Watch out again.   Good science knows its limits too.

His research attempts to show that the strategies that people adopt that make them happy are not the opposite of those who are more unhappy, they are simply different.  Key to happiness (rather like Chopra's comment), is putting time and energy into your character strengths.  Judgement is only one of these, alongside curiosity, wisdom, courage, playfulness, fairness, etc.  Criticism and judgement is overplayed!  [There is a great deal of published research on www.authentichappiness.com and a whole coaching programme around happiness available for those with greater interest, plus tests you can take yourself to find your level of optimism your signature strengths and other useful psychological profiles].

Finally I might point you to "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, in which he shows, via experiment, that a high presence of stonewalling, criticism, contempt and scorn correlate very highly with divorce for couples and being sued for professionals.

Fundamentally I do not believe that coaching, outside of the teaching and practising new knowledge and skills, is of any great use.  However a coaching relationship is very helpful, as it provides a space for self-exploration and self-coaching.  In my experience, all of my clients have found the resources they needed to deal with their difficulties and opportunities, and our relationship has been an important creative element in this discovery.

So far as I can understand, what is going on is that, by accepting them as they are, and focussing on them and their issue, by keeping judgement out of the arena, listening and being calm, their mental state seems to change.  More confidence and calm arises, more trust to speak about the things they fear and hide from, more openness, and :  More Acceptance of Themselves As They Are.

Once this acceptance begins to arise, it becomes possible for them to begin to act in a new direction which can be more helpful.

This is a huge and complex subject and I have not done it any justice (judging).  Suspending criticism and judgement is probably not possible for most people, certainly if it is a core signature strength for you (in which case, if I am right, coaching may not be a strength).

As I have said before, the important thing is to be aware of it, to notice your judgements and criticisms of your client arise, and to be able to choose to keep silent, keep listening and to keep them at bay at least until you have more fully understood what is going on.  A good way to do this is to confirm understanding without commenting critically.  It will at least distract you from giving your opinion!

Self-awareness is the first step, and requires some self-exploration.  Awareness of others at a deeper level can then begin.

Emotional-physical states are "catching" in a group of people.  A yawn breeds a yawn, anger or contempt leads to a fight, enthusiasm brings excitement, moving leads to following.  There is plenty of verifiable research on all of this, and you may well have noticed it yourself.

If you are going to coach, make sure you can influence your own state of mind, as it will affect your client and the outcome of the session powerfully.  And the first lesson is, be happy with yourself and it will allow others to become more happy with themselves too.

Happiness breeds laughter.  Laughter breeds happiness.  Learn to smile at yourself with good humour and deep affection.  You may find that accepting smile reflecting back out as strongly as the warm sun.  ;-)