I have been reflecting on the toughest issues to influence as a business coach. Common barriers affecting high flyers include; insufficient strategy, fear of action, poor decision making, low self-confidence, beliefs that do not support success. However, each of these is relatively easy to spot and there are good ways to work on them to get an impact.
Perhaps the hardest to deal with is loving work too much - where positive intentions collide and the appearance of success in every area distracts the executive from realising there is greater potential entirely missing from the picture. The specific issue is personal success combining with highly positive attitudes to a range of tasks and not seeing what is not achieved but could be with a different approach.
Here is your high flying CEO; Monday morning. She picks up the weekly priority list; done the night before (good start).
1. Read final documents and prepare for final meeting for an acquisition by a top client, really me, love the technical detail and cut and thrust of negotiation, big money on it, tick
2. Cashflow nearing overdraft limits, read partner debt lists and do the rounds with the weaker guys, getting their actions going to bring in some cash, helps the firm, uses my courage and persuasion skills to the full, tick
3. Strategic review preparation; need to read Gladwell's book, and review the market research, talk to the board about the key issues and prepare the ground for Thursdays strategy session. My experience counts, great fun and vital for our future, tick
4. New client presentation, best fun, I'm really good at it, need to show I can still top the new business chart, tick
5. Property issues to be addressed, where will we go next at the fast growing Manchester office, complex negotiations, lots riding on it, I have vital views on how the practice offices should locate and look, tick
6. Our plans are to double with acquisitions, I have no likely firms in the viewer, need to identify partner to help target and start the process, must be me as I have clear views on the ideal target, tick.
7. Senior and capable colleague having a wobble, offers in from competitor, personal persuasion needed! Tick.
Great at everything, loving all of it; sound familiar? It's all good for the firm so what's the issue?
I am reminded of the scene in Band of Brothers - the episode was "the Breaking Point", the scene is the attack on the town of Foy, breaking out after the siege of Bastogne. Colonel Winter's men are led by Lieutenant Dike, who makes mistakes, leading to casualties and a faltering attack. Winters had risen to lead his company, loved his men, was a great field leader. Seeing the problems he rushes forward, and is harshly called back by his commander. "Winters, get back here, your place is on the line, not in the attack!" Winters replaces Dike with Spiers in the heat of action and the attack goes in successfully.
Of course Winters could have led in the attack. But his commander knew only Winters had the experience of his men and battle to manage the overall campaign and unfolding situation. If distracted by close action, or worse taken out by chance or failure, the whole campaign might fail.
The point of experience is constantly to challenge yourself to have the greatest impact and focus. Who is forcing you to take a step back and stay focussed on a simple list of your greatest strengths? My own coach is fond of encouraging an annual "garage sale" of tasks. Half must go - and each year the half on the fire sale are things that are more impactful than the last year's list.
What are the consequences of giving in to all the pleasures of their high performance ability?
What is the practice or firm missing that it could have by now, but for their distraction?
Why is there no succession of tasks that should not be top of their list, but do need high skill?
What growth could have been achieved had they focussed on increasing activity around their top three skills and replacing resources for the remaining tasks?
Wise CEO's and partners seek to surround themselves with people cleverer than they are.
The hardest thing to get people to realise is that when there appears to be nothing wrong, it is their great capability that might be the biggest barrier to their potential.
Do you love your work too much? Are you too good to benefit from coaching?
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Saturday, 12 February 2011
That's not what I meant!
"My dinner's caked and dry on top of the oven, which means you're angry that I am late, and you just don't appreciate the hard work I have to put in to support this family, in fact I'm beginning to wonder if you love me anymore!"
"You've accepted my view and that means you agree with me."
"You're always on time for meetings, which means you respect my needs."
"I can tell from the way you wear your hat that you love me!"
"Because it has snowed we are in for a double dip recession, sledging back down at speed to another crash!"
What a strange and natural skill it seems we have, when you think about it, to make meaning out of apparently unconnected things, and of imposing our meaning where there is none to be found.
You might argue that the search for meaning (the interpretation of what we sense) is a vital strategy for survival. We watch, we wonder what it all means, and how it will affect us. We make up some meaning (anger of the gods, a sign from the otherworld, evidence of a slide to a double dip recession), and we choose how to act (say a hail mary, throw salt over our shoulder, stop spending).
As we watch each other's behaviour, there seems, from board room to bedroom, challenge after challenge to judge events, and find a complicated equivalence of meaning between them and our outcomes.
Some of these complex equivalences can become institutionalised: if you didn't manage to get this sale, it means you are not a good salesperson, if you didn't realise early enough that this unit would fail, it means you have a poor attitude to health and safety. That person, team, department, is just not working hard enough. It is fairly common to see an event interpreted into a generalised assumption about a person or group's abilities
Like my last post on universals, this complex equivalence is evident at the heart of a lot of human communication and rife with difficulty. The problem is that we are only quite good at guessing what things mean. If it is not that we were too afraid, lazy or careless to check on our accuracy, it is entirely possible that any validating information was also unavailable.
Even when we do trouble to check, it's sometimes not so easy to find out. "What do you mean? Not everything is about you, you know!" "I don't want to talk to you right now! :-("
No surprise then that there can be a lot of confusion, even among the highly articulate and intelligent, about what is going on, and a heap of judgements being made about what to do about it too - what is the right and the wrong way to act, who's behaviour is "right" and "wrong".
Our guesses about what a major customer, colleague or loved one "really means" significantly influence our responses. As relationships build a bit of history, especially through adversity, what started as a series of simple uncorrected misunderstandings can become entrenched difficulties; even legal battles.
There is plenty of material here for the business coach to use. Firstly, check up on yourself. You can probably find 4 or 5 situations just in the last week (look for those few where things have not gone quite to plan and a bit of temper or sorrow has resulted). Were the meanings you made possible...can you map that comment or action to this outcome? Does it map across? Is that the only possible meaning? Did you check?
Having practiced this for a while, you should quickly be able to pick up possible complex equivalence confusion in client presentation - especially about those board room battles that can take up so much energy.
The role of the coach is varied, and a couple of very useful elements are to help clients find perspective, to see things from other angles, and encourage them to increase their range of response. This applies as much to the internal response (what meaning am I making about this event, and how do I feel about myself and my colleagues as a consequence?) as to the external response (what will I say and do, and how will I do that?).
When you pick up on a strong problematic complex equivalence: disrupt the thought pattern, challenge the meaning, and look for evidence of alternative meanings and choices.
"So, what happened to my dinner then?"
"Oh, I am so sorry about that, my aunt rang and was on the phone for an hour, John turned up from rugby caked in mud and traipsed it all through the house and by the time I'd cleaned it up it was bath time for the Melanie...I am afraid I just couldn't do it all"
"Oh, and I thought it meant you didn't love me any more, Mike!"
"Awe, Mary, don't be silly, come here, you!"
"You've accepted my view and that means you agree with me."
"You're always on time for meetings, which means you respect my needs."
"I can tell from the way you wear your hat that you love me!"
"Because it has snowed we are in for a double dip recession, sledging back down at speed to another crash!"
What a strange and natural skill it seems we have, when you think about it, to make meaning out of apparently unconnected things, and of imposing our meaning where there is none to be found.
You might argue that the search for meaning (the interpretation of what we sense) is a vital strategy for survival. We watch, we wonder what it all means, and how it will affect us. We make up some meaning (anger of the gods, a sign from the otherworld, evidence of a slide to a double dip recession), and we choose how to act (say a hail mary, throw salt over our shoulder, stop spending).
As we watch each other's behaviour, there seems, from board room to bedroom, challenge after challenge to judge events, and find a complicated equivalence of meaning between them and our outcomes.
Some of these complex equivalences can become institutionalised: if you didn't manage to get this sale, it means you are not a good salesperson, if you didn't realise early enough that this unit would fail, it means you have a poor attitude to health and safety. That person, team, department, is just not working hard enough. It is fairly common to see an event interpreted into a generalised assumption about a person or group's abilities
Like my last post on universals, this complex equivalence is evident at the heart of a lot of human communication and rife with difficulty. The problem is that we are only quite good at guessing what things mean. If it is not that we were too afraid, lazy or careless to check on our accuracy, it is entirely possible that any validating information was also unavailable.
Even when we do trouble to check, it's sometimes not so easy to find out. "What do you mean? Not everything is about you, you know!" "I don't want to talk to you right now! :-("
No surprise then that there can be a lot of confusion, even among the highly articulate and intelligent, about what is going on, and a heap of judgements being made about what to do about it too - what is the right and the wrong way to act, who's behaviour is "right" and "wrong".
Our guesses about what a major customer, colleague or loved one "really means" significantly influence our responses. As relationships build a bit of history, especially through adversity, what started as a series of simple uncorrected misunderstandings can become entrenched difficulties; even legal battles.
There is plenty of material here for the business coach to use. Firstly, check up on yourself. You can probably find 4 or 5 situations just in the last week (look for those few where things have not gone quite to plan and a bit of temper or sorrow has resulted). Were the meanings you made possible...can you map that comment or action to this outcome? Does it map across? Is that the only possible meaning? Did you check?
Having practiced this for a while, you should quickly be able to pick up possible complex equivalence confusion in client presentation - especially about those board room battles that can take up so much energy.
The role of the coach is varied, and a couple of very useful elements are to help clients find perspective, to see things from other angles, and encourage them to increase their range of response. This applies as much to the internal response (what meaning am I making about this event, and how do I feel about myself and my colleagues as a consequence?) as to the external response (what will I say and do, and how will I do that?).
When you pick up on a strong problematic complex equivalence: disrupt the thought pattern, challenge the meaning, and look for evidence of alternative meanings and choices.
"So, what happened to my dinner then?"
"Oh, I am so sorry about that, my aunt rang and was on the phone for an hour, John turned up from rugby caked in mud and traipsed it all through the house and by the time I'd cleaned it up it was bath time for the Melanie...I am afraid I just couldn't do it all"
"Oh, and I thought it meant you didn't love me any more, Mike!"
"Awe, Mary, don't be silly, come here, you!"
Sunday, 30 January 2011
I've been waiting forever, which means you never cared
Well now, it has been some time since my last post on aspects of communication. I hope you all had a good break and can forgive and forget the period of reflection I seem to have been in.
This time I pick up on on a real bad boy of communication confusion; universals (let's nail them, once and for all!)
"Do you know, I just don't think things will ever change around here." Says the senior manager, staring, with dejection, into a plastic cup of stinking semi-hot coffee substitute. "We always attract the wrong customers and wrong employees, so your idea just will not work; it will fail like all good intentions."
"Oh my", says her boss, feeling the fall of hope like the jerk of a physical drop, "why do you always think that way, it reminds me of every argument we have, you don't have a shred of positivity in you, do you?"
Universals are the blunt heavy weapons of a row. Ever, forever, always, all, every, none, not a shred!
As you read through the words of these imaginary colleagues, you can quickly get a feel for their great, big, huge barriers. The first speaker as a response to some unspecified call to action; her thoughts betraying a quick exit for all energy and motivation. The second showing the size of her frustration with the first colleague. Here we have actions and people being bludgeoned flat with universal words.
Generalisations can be such a naturally useful way of sifting through the complexity of life, but watch your words (and the words of those around you), as they powerfully affect potential for positive change. They also tell you a lot about the way colleagues perceive their world and their choices.
More positively, the thoughts and behaviours they mark out are learned, and can be unlearned!
A good example of the way psychologists look at universals to indicate a person's range of choice comes from Seligman's work on learned optimism. He uses three universal dimensions to gauge an optimism or pessimism score (a measure of the level of each in your character). These are;
This time I pick up on on a real bad boy of communication confusion; universals (let's nail them, once and for all!)
"Do you know, I just don't think things will ever change around here." Says the senior manager, staring, with dejection, into a plastic cup of stinking semi-hot coffee substitute. "We always attract the wrong customers and wrong employees, so your idea just will not work; it will fail like all good intentions."
"Oh my", says her boss, feeling the fall of hope like the jerk of a physical drop, "why do you always think that way, it reminds me of every argument we have, you don't have a shred of positivity in you, do you?"
Universals are the blunt heavy weapons of a row. Ever, forever, always, all, every, none, not a shred!
As you read through the words of these imaginary colleagues, you can quickly get a feel for their great, big, huge barriers. The first speaker as a response to some unspecified call to action; her thoughts betraying a quick exit for all energy and motivation. The second showing the size of her frustration with the first colleague. Here we have actions and people being bludgeoned flat with universal words.
Generalisations can be such a naturally useful way of sifting through the complexity of life, but watch your words (and the words of those around you), as they powerfully affect potential for positive change. They also tell you a lot about the way colleagues perceive their world and their choices.
More positively, the thoughts and behaviours they mark out are learned, and can be unlearned!
A good example of the way psychologists look at universals to indicate a person's range of choice comes from Seligman's work on learned optimism. He uses three universal dimensions to gauge an optimism or pessimism score (a measure of the level of each in your character). These are;
- time (I tend to think of problems as likely to last forever)
- pervasiveness (I tend to think that problems will affect me in every part of my life) and finally
- size (I tend to think that problems will have a big impact)
Simply put, universal language can betray someone who is anticipating very generalised consequences, limiting their likely choices towards running for cover, or fighting for a way out. I.e. triggering fear or anger with the thoughts.
There are two points I want to make here, which can be useful to be aware of in your coaching:
- The extreme conditions that universal language suggest, often the most extreme, are of course possible, but are the least likely to prevail. Always? Unlikely.
- The second is that their presence is often a signal that the speaker is challenged by the circumstance, and more emotional (fearful or angry) than when less challenged. You hear it more commonly in a row, or about a difficult new venture or change at work. The sense of universality can be stored in the emotion, which can trigger memories of past occasions when similar things have happened, and "add up" the history of difficulty for the speaker.
As coach, there are a number of ways to deal with universals:
- Respect the speaker to be telling the truth. Ask more questions and elicit if they are truly experiencing the challenge as universally difficult, or is it simply the words.
- Find out about the size of the underlying fear, the pervasiveness, the future fear and what past occasions seem similar.
- As you keep rapport, gently challenge the universals by finding evidence to the contrary.
For example, if you hear someone say "My boss is untrustworthy, he is always trying to get one over on me. I can never trust him." You explore in this way. "Ok, I understand that you think your boss is never trustworthy. I can see that your life must be made more difficult by the lack of trust you have for him. What specifically don't you trust? When was the most recent occasion? What did you think was his real motive? What told you that was the case?"
Then change direction. "When you get on best with him, what is that like? Ok, so sometimes, when you are getting on with him well, do you still distrust him at that moment?" etc. Pausing, listening and gently reflecting back evidence to the contrary.
I might gather this for a while and then explain how universal language can be both helpful and unhelpful and sum up what I have heard them say.. "So, you feel your boss is always trying to get one over on you. Yes?" "Yes". "But recently working on the so and so situation, you got on really well and felt you were on the same wavelength and you trusted that exercise. Yes too?" "Er...yes" "So, always?" "No OK, not always, but most of the time!" "Fair enough!"
At this point there is a bit of an untangling of the sense of forever and the specific is ready to be examined. "So tell me, what is different about the time when you don't trust, and feel you are being duped, and the time when all is well? Tell me the specifics?" "When you were last in a situation where you distrusted his motive, what other motives could he have had?"
A useful exercise here, is to get them to role play the situation as them, as their boss, and as an independent observer. Use three chairs positioned in a triangle and get them to move chair. It will help them get different perspectives, and unpick the unhelpful universality of their view, revealing creative choices.
The point of this post is to help you understand how sometimes, people place their own word barriers in the way of their choices. By working with universal thoughts, the specific occasion, time and context can become lost, generalised out of the picture. There is always more choice available, and, taking a rock hammer to the mountain of forever, one can normally find a few new pathways into the problem.
"Ah", I hear you say,"you say that you don't judge, and yet your building of rapport is just a pretext to show your judgement gently to your client, which means that you are really manipulative!"
Ah, my friend, this complex equivalence of created meanings is the next sharp rock to skirt in the swirling winds of verbal confusion through which we sail. It is the next buoy to tack! The subject of my next post.
I hope your weeks are totally awesome, you never look back with regret or sorrow. May your cups refill perpetually, and your profit know no limit.
Nick
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Your problem is you just don't flaming well listen!
I'll bet you have had that said to you. If not, you probably don't listen!
How unfair. How hurtful. How I feel that on the inside and sense my anger hormones cooking up a good explosive stew. Or maybe its true, the sports were just that much more compelling than voices off.
Of course you listen. But to what? And with what level of understanding?
The real problem is that so much information is present, our busy brains choose what to hear and what to ignore and most of the time this is an unconscious, and habitual process. Without training, what is heard is pretty random stuff, ranging from noises off stage, to the inner voice arguing with what is being said, and all places in between. Not much space is left for ascertaining meaning. A whole profession of diplomacy has arisen to fill the gap where this might lead to war.
After non-judgement (which gets your opinions to quieten down giving you a chance to hear without interference), the next core skill of the coach is listening. Some call it active listening. I use intuitive listening, full attention listening, process listening, analytic listening, and, always listening with feedback.
In this post, I am going to try to get you started with listening skills.
First some headlines and then one bit of detail and some guidance....to get good at this you will really need to practice a lot. I mean like as much as you might do with your favourite hobby or your profession! A lot of a lot.
Here are some things from NLP texts and other sources to think about:
In the language:
Sensory frame
Sub-modalities
How unfair. How hurtful. How I feel that on the inside and sense my anger hormones cooking up a good explosive stew. Or maybe its true, the sports were just that much more compelling than voices off.
Of course you listen. But to what? And with what level of understanding?
The real problem is that so much information is present, our busy brains choose what to hear and what to ignore and most of the time this is an unconscious, and habitual process. Without training, what is heard is pretty random stuff, ranging from noises off stage, to the inner voice arguing with what is being said, and all places in between. Not much space is left for ascertaining meaning. A whole profession of diplomacy has arisen to fill the gap where this might lead to war.
After non-judgement (which gets your opinions to quieten down giving you a chance to hear without interference), the next core skill of the coach is listening. Some call it active listening. I use intuitive listening, full attention listening, process listening, analytic listening, and, always listening with feedback.
In this post, I am going to try to get you started with listening skills.
First some headlines and then one bit of detail and some guidance....to get good at this you will really need to practice a lot. I mean like as much as you might do with your favourite hobby or your profession! A lot of a lot.
Here are some things from NLP texts and other sources to think about:
In the language:
Sensory frame
- Feelings - "I feel bad", can also be eating, "you want me to swallow that hook, line and sinker?"
- Seeing - "I cannot see this working"
- Hearing - "That doesn't sound good to me"
- Think - "I can't process this right now"
- Tasting - "This leaves a bad taste in the mouth", or "Sweet!"
- Smell - "I smell a rat!"
- Deletion - "that really hurts me" What hurts and how it does it are deleted.
- Universals - "you will never change" An unlikely absolute!
- Nominalisation - "this relationship is not working." A relationship is a verb, not a thing, the way we are relating can be changed.
- Cause effect confusion - "When you look that way you make me mad." Somehow pressing buttons on your insides...how exactly?
- Complex equivalence - "the way you looked when you said that tells me I just cannot trust what you say." Maps unconnected things together - how can you tell what the look meant?
- Mind reading - "I know what you are thinking." Huh? You're reading my mind?
- Pre-supposition - "I know you won't like this." Huh? You read my mind without me even speaking?
- Complex words - "I love you." For me, a tidy house! For you, candles at dinner. Different meanings for the same word, kind of a mix of several of the above.
Conversational process
- Repetition - looping around an issue
- No pausing to check understanding
- Interruptions with "what I think"
- Dominant, submissive, indifferent
- Content transaction analysis - parent like, child like
- Logic, emotive, irrational
- Flowing or interrupted
- Ordered or jumping around
- Past, present and future orientation
- Use of method - metaphor, story
- Towards/away from orientation
- Validation - how do I know its right - inside? Others say so? Bit of both?
- Attention on self or others
- "Modal" influence - obligations or possibilities, needs or wants?
- Big picture, details, bit of both
- Stressors - people, emotions, things, choices?
- Etc!!!
Sub-modalities
- Tone of voice
- Pitch, speed, volume
- "Colour" in the words themselves, e.g. level of descriptive or type of descriptive
- Changes in these
- Skin colour, showing emotion shift
- Eyes in particular for tells of emotion
- Eye direction (may show recall, creation, shame etc)
- Blink rate
- Breathing rate, big changes e.g. sigh, holding breath, very low breath, panting.
- Emblems (accidental emphasis, e.g. forms a fist)
- Changes in manipulators (e.g. rubbing an ear or cheek) or gesticulation
- Satir poses (blamer, placater, distractor, leveller, calculator body postures)
- Micro expressions and related non-facial physical movements (tension, relaxation)
- Crying, laughing
- Gross movement (very still, to walking around while talking)
In all of the above pick up on changes or on signs that conflict with each other. Saying "I am very happy about this" said with a look of fear, a flash of red on the cheek or neck, and an increase in manipulators tells at least two stories at once. Both may be true but probably for different reasons.
In the atmosphere
Intuitive responses to your client, what do you sense or pick up? In the way a yawn is contagious if you have rapport you may well sense something they are feeling:
- Fear
- Stress/tension
- Other emotions
- Rapport
- Sense of time
- Attention intensity - close up, hear the traffic outside?
It is impossible to pick up on all these and the many other factors that may be present. With a bit of practice you might notice some of them, and they will tell you a lot.
If, as a coach, you are going to pick up the information you need, it is essential to "tune in" to the session and use your whole presence to pay close attention to the client's meaning.
Remember, your client will rarely really know their own meaning. They probably come with a series of relatively unformed thoughts and related feelings that they wish to resolve. Often after sessions with my coach, I have also gone out without knowing how or what has changed, just feeling a lot better. I have learned to accept this too as a good outcome. Understanding you are too stressed doesn't make you less stressed. Understanding can be over-rated!
The most important thing as you start is to take time, to pause and reflect back to your client what you think you have understood and check your understanding. This allows them to elaborate, correct or confirm and you can move ahead. When checking, check all around - is this what you think, is this what it feels like for you, is this what the past present and future consequences are? Is this what you want to speak out loud to me?
As your skills as a listener develop, your active involvement in the process will increase and intuition (the quick feedback of learned skills when they are needed) will improve. But being listened to alone without any intervention or guidance is also a blessing rarely bestowed and a good place to start.
I'll come back to each of these areas in a bit more detail in later posts, and also cover some of the useful assumptions that you can make, straight out of neuro-linguistic programming, that may well help you be a more effective listener.
One of my favourites is confusingly called by Bodenhamer and Hall in their "Users manual to the Brain" selective restrictional violation and refers to a habit of conferring human intention on inanimate things. A great example is the comment "oh, those chocolate biscuits are calling to me!" used to weird effect in a recent chocolate bar ad.
Well, there you go, I can hear the Shiraz in the kitchen telling me to get a life, and a glass, so that's all for now. Post up your experiences of deeper meaning below the shallow surface of communication and I'll come back with more detail in the next week or so on some of these ideas.
One final comment before the glass of wine. Do you think it is ever possible to listen and understand without changing the meaning of what has been said? A so called "clean process"? Read the above, abbreviated, list of half-noticed features of communication again, check how many apply to your own communication and whether you have much control over them, and then answer my question.
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Am I good enough? Non-judgement and self-acceptance in Coaching
At the heart of a coaching partnership is acceptance, without judgement, of my client. In order to hold this attitude, I must also accept myself without judgement. This coaching note is about non-judging, and seeks to address the question "am a good enough?" with a wholehearted "yes!"
As I think about what to write about this, I quickly realise what a huge subject this is. So for now I am going to limit myself to a few sources for the thinking and then a quick parting comment. I believe non-judging and self-acceptance are hard to achieve and I hope the following makes sense for you.
Why is non-judgement needed in coaching?
Judging, criticism, contempt, scorn - so often are the daily meat and drink of life. So attuned are many people to rights and wrongs of others, that they read criticism in each expression (or think they do). And more painful and challenging than the external voices, are the internal ones; echo's of learned attitudes, past errors, failures, regrets; often disguised in the remembered tones of past authority. Yet our voices, my voice, I, am talking to myself!
So many people come to see me damaged and dented. They wear toughened and scratched carapaces for protection from the outside world. And despite these protections, they can still hear the internal voice of doubt and scorn. Self-doubt and self-scorn that undermine potential; holding back honesty, and action through fear of pain.
And what is on the inside, governs what comes out into the world. From a critical internal world it is very hard to be non-critical of others. From a cold and lonely internal world, it is hard to give warmth. From an internal world that is fractured and unfamiliar, it is hard to listen with stillness and attention to the inner world of your client. From a fractured self-confidence, it is hard to stand firm and let go of fear.
There is some good material on this in Deepak Chopra's "Seven Laws of Spiritual Success". In the "Law of giving" he says and I paraphrase, what you pay attention to in your life will grow and flourish around you. If you want receive money, be generous, as giving and receiving are just alternate parts of the same flow of energy and by taking part the flow increases rather than stagnating. If you want love, be loving. If you want happiness, bring happiness to others. Watch out! This is generalisation and while I have often found the comments above to be useful, I am not saying they are truths.
If you want something more scientifically validated than the philosophical Chopra, read Martin Seligman's "Authentic Happiness", for research based psychological material. In here you will find that "judgement" is just one of a wide range of "signature strengths". These read a little like philosophical virtues, and in Seligman's psychological research, 25 are suggested. Watch out again. Good science knows its limits too.
His research attempts to show that the strategies that people adopt that make them happy are not the opposite of those who are more unhappy, they are simply different. Key to happiness (rather like Chopra's comment), is putting time and energy into your character strengths. Judgement is only one of these, alongside curiosity, wisdom, courage, playfulness, fairness, etc. Criticism and judgement is overplayed! [There is a great deal of published research on www.authentichappiness.com and a whole coaching programme around happiness available for those with greater interest, plus tests you can take yourself to find your level of optimism your signature strengths and other useful psychological profiles].
Finally I might point you to "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, in which he shows, via experiment, that a high presence of stonewalling, criticism, contempt and scorn correlate very highly with divorce for couples and being sued for professionals.
Fundamentally I do not believe that coaching, outside of the teaching and practising new knowledge and skills, is of any great use. However a coaching relationship is very helpful, as it provides a space for self-exploration and self-coaching. In my experience, all of my clients have found the resources they needed to deal with their difficulties and opportunities, and our relationship has been an important creative element in this discovery.
So far as I can understand, what is going on is that, by accepting them as they are, and focussing on them and their issue, by keeping judgement out of the arena, listening and being calm, their mental state seems to change. More confidence and calm arises, more trust to speak about the things they fear and hide from, more openness, and : More Acceptance of Themselves As They Are.
Once this acceptance begins to arise, it becomes possible for them to begin to act in a new direction which can be more helpful.
This is a huge and complex subject and I have not done it any justice (judging). Suspending criticism and judgement is probably not possible for most people, certainly if it is a core signature strength for you (in which case, if I am right, coaching may not be a strength).
As I have said before, the important thing is to be aware of it, to notice your judgements and criticisms of your client arise, and to be able to choose to keep silent, keep listening and to keep them at bay at least until you have more fully understood what is going on. A good way to do this is to confirm understanding without commenting critically. It will at least distract you from giving your opinion!
Self-awareness is the first step, and requires some self-exploration. Awareness of others at a deeper level can then begin.
Emotional-physical states are "catching" in a group of people. A yawn breeds a yawn, anger or contempt leads to a fight, enthusiasm brings excitement, moving leads to following. There is plenty of verifiable research on all of this, and you may well have noticed it yourself.
If you are going to coach, make sure you can influence your own state of mind, as it will affect your client and the outcome of the session powerfully. And the first lesson is, be happy with yourself and it will allow others to become more happy with themselves too.
Happiness breeds laughter. Laughter breeds happiness. Learn to smile at yourself with good humour and deep affection. You may find that accepting smile reflecting back out as strongly as the warm sun. ;-)
As I think about what to write about this, I quickly realise what a huge subject this is. So for now I am going to limit myself to a few sources for the thinking and then a quick parting comment. I believe non-judging and self-acceptance are hard to achieve and I hope the following makes sense for you.
Why is non-judgement needed in coaching?
Judging, criticism, contempt, scorn - so often are the daily meat and drink of life. So attuned are many people to rights and wrongs of others, that they read criticism in each expression (or think they do). And more painful and challenging than the external voices, are the internal ones; echo's of learned attitudes, past errors, failures, regrets; often disguised in the remembered tones of past authority. Yet our voices, my voice, I, am talking to myself!
So many people come to see me damaged and dented. They wear toughened and scratched carapaces for protection from the outside world. And despite these protections, they can still hear the internal voice of doubt and scorn. Self-doubt and self-scorn that undermine potential; holding back honesty, and action through fear of pain.
And what is on the inside, governs what comes out into the world. From a critical internal world it is very hard to be non-critical of others. From a cold and lonely internal world, it is hard to give warmth. From an internal world that is fractured and unfamiliar, it is hard to listen with stillness and attention to the inner world of your client. From a fractured self-confidence, it is hard to stand firm and let go of fear.
There is some good material on this in Deepak Chopra's "Seven Laws of Spiritual Success". In the "Law of giving" he says and I paraphrase, what you pay attention to in your life will grow and flourish around you. If you want receive money, be generous, as giving and receiving are just alternate parts of the same flow of energy and by taking part the flow increases rather than stagnating. If you want love, be loving. If you want happiness, bring happiness to others. Watch out! This is generalisation and while I have often found the comments above to be useful, I am not saying they are truths.
If you want something more scientifically validated than the philosophical Chopra, read Martin Seligman's "Authentic Happiness", for research based psychological material. In here you will find that "judgement" is just one of a wide range of "signature strengths". These read a little like philosophical virtues, and in Seligman's psychological research, 25 are suggested. Watch out again. Good science knows its limits too.
His research attempts to show that the strategies that people adopt that make them happy are not the opposite of those who are more unhappy, they are simply different. Key to happiness (rather like Chopra's comment), is putting time and energy into your character strengths. Judgement is only one of these, alongside curiosity, wisdom, courage, playfulness, fairness, etc. Criticism and judgement is overplayed! [There is a great deal of published research on www.authentichappiness.com and a whole coaching programme around happiness available for those with greater interest, plus tests you can take yourself to find your level of optimism your signature strengths and other useful psychological profiles].
Finally I might point you to "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, in which he shows, via experiment, that a high presence of stonewalling, criticism, contempt and scorn correlate very highly with divorce for couples and being sued for professionals.
Fundamentally I do not believe that coaching, outside of the teaching and practising new knowledge and skills, is of any great use. However a coaching relationship is very helpful, as it provides a space for self-exploration and self-coaching. In my experience, all of my clients have found the resources they needed to deal with their difficulties and opportunities, and our relationship has been an important creative element in this discovery.
So far as I can understand, what is going on is that, by accepting them as they are, and focussing on them and their issue, by keeping judgement out of the arena, listening and being calm, their mental state seems to change. More confidence and calm arises, more trust to speak about the things they fear and hide from, more openness, and : More Acceptance of Themselves As They Are.
Once this acceptance begins to arise, it becomes possible for them to begin to act in a new direction which can be more helpful.
This is a huge and complex subject and I have not done it any justice (judging). Suspending criticism and judgement is probably not possible for most people, certainly if it is a core signature strength for you (in which case, if I am right, coaching may not be a strength).
As I have said before, the important thing is to be aware of it, to notice your judgements and criticisms of your client arise, and to be able to choose to keep silent, keep listening and to keep them at bay at least until you have more fully understood what is going on. A good way to do this is to confirm understanding without commenting critically. It will at least distract you from giving your opinion!
Self-awareness is the first step, and requires some self-exploration. Awareness of others at a deeper level can then begin.
Emotional-physical states are "catching" in a group of people. A yawn breeds a yawn, anger or contempt leads to a fight, enthusiasm brings excitement, moving leads to following. There is plenty of verifiable research on all of this, and you may well have noticed it yourself.
If you are going to coach, make sure you can influence your own state of mind, as it will affect your client and the outcome of the session powerfully. And the first lesson is, be happy with yourself and it will allow others to become more happy with themselves too.
Happiness breeds laughter. Laughter breeds happiness. Learn to smile at yourself with good humour and deep affection. You may find that accepting smile reflecting back out as strongly as the warm sun. ;-)
Friday, 29 October 2010
Getting change with coaching - the Change Potential
I said in an earlier post, the traditional wisdom that you cannot change other people, only yourself, is not right. In fact all relationships influence in some way, its just that the choice of how we are influenced belongs to us. In coaching, your client must, by choosing coaching, be choosing change, and finding it hard.
So change is inevitable, your job is to help them find the resources they need to change more positively, perhaps to challenge their goal, and also to get there more quickly.
It is crucial to the coaching process that my client achieves some desired change. An early assessment of this is therefore really an essential component, in my mind, of accepting a coaching relationship. There has got to be a good reason for the work. If there isn't one it's not really good for the coach and it's a waste of time for the client. So how to assess it?
Change is natural, change is almost the same as saying "time". As time passes we change. The question is are we consciously and positively influencing it in the way we want?
The coach doesn't achieve change - the client does. The client has to do the work and it's the role of the coach to listen, facilitate, teach and guide around the issues in the way or that may help.
I look for four things to assess the potential for change:
Clear goals
Motivation to achieve them
A Plan: A to F and all the steps between
Time and space to act
Each one has to be strong for the change potential to be high. One way to use this is simply to ask questions around each aspect.
Clear goal questions:
What is your goal here? What do you need? What do you want? How do you see yourself changing through this programme? What do you feel is missing from your career/life etc? On a scale of 1 to 10, how clear is your goal?
If the answer is less than an 8, you need to do more work on goals first.
Motivation:
At the root, either desire or fear are the core motivators. Some clients want to get out of a situation that makes them uncomfortable or stressed. With these it is a good idea to help them find a new goal to move towards, to help the intention become more positive. Others simply want something new; they have a goal in mind. If the goal is clear or the current situation is very unpleasant, motivation should be high. On a scale of 1 to 10, how strong is your motivation for the goal.
If you have a score less than 8, your client's goal or fear are not really that compelling, and change is unlikely.
Planning questions:
Do you know how to do this? What are the little steps you need to take? What resources do you need? How do you need other people to change or help to make this possible? Can you see/sense how you will do this?
Score the planning on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is brilliant planning and 1 is no plan at all.
Time and space to act:
In my experience, the first three items are not enough to get clear action. What is also needed is time and space for action towards the new goal. Sometimes this means that other things must be finished off before the process of building towards the new goal can start. With clients, issues in the way of starting, but nothing to do with the new goal, have been all over the place, from major private life distractions (affairs, illness, children, financial problems, other changes in relations lives, general busy-ness), to work needs (their diary is full of other junk and the first issue is to deal with priorities and change roles).
Get a score on this one too.
The next step is a bit analytical, but kind of works. Multiply the scores and express the result and divide by 1000, express this as a percentage. Have a go. Anything less than 60% is too low for quick change. The beauty of the division of issues is it shows you, as coach, where to help the client focus.
I don't think any client has ever come in and told me what their real issues or goals are at the first meeting. Finding these only comes after the relationship has built, rapport is good and trust has developed. And after I have asked quite a lot of questions.
Life is messy, and simple analysis will only take you so far as a coach.
More on goals next time around, in the meantime I hope you enjoyed this and try out the scoring on yourself. Pick a meaningful issue or you will get a meaningless answer! Do you even tell yourself the real issues? I dare you to.
Best wishes
So change is inevitable, your job is to help them find the resources they need to change more positively, perhaps to challenge their goal, and also to get there more quickly.
It is crucial to the coaching process that my client achieves some desired change. An early assessment of this is therefore really an essential component, in my mind, of accepting a coaching relationship. There has got to be a good reason for the work. If there isn't one it's not really good for the coach and it's a waste of time for the client. So how to assess it?
Change is natural, change is almost the same as saying "time". As time passes we change. The question is are we consciously and positively influencing it in the way we want?
The coach doesn't achieve change - the client does. The client has to do the work and it's the role of the coach to listen, facilitate, teach and guide around the issues in the way or that may help.
I look for four things to assess the potential for change:
Clear goals
Motivation to achieve them
A Plan: A to F and all the steps between
Time and space to act
Each one has to be strong for the change potential to be high. One way to use this is simply to ask questions around each aspect.
Clear goal questions:
What is your goal here? What do you need? What do you want? How do you see yourself changing through this programme? What do you feel is missing from your career/life etc? On a scale of 1 to 10, how clear is your goal?
If the answer is less than an 8, you need to do more work on goals first.
Motivation:
At the root, either desire or fear are the core motivators. Some clients want to get out of a situation that makes them uncomfortable or stressed. With these it is a good idea to help them find a new goal to move towards, to help the intention become more positive. Others simply want something new; they have a goal in mind. If the goal is clear or the current situation is very unpleasant, motivation should be high. On a scale of 1 to 10, how strong is your motivation for the goal.
If you have a score less than 8, your client's goal or fear are not really that compelling, and change is unlikely.
Planning questions:
Do you know how to do this? What are the little steps you need to take? What resources do you need? How do you need other people to change or help to make this possible? Can you see/sense how you will do this?
Score the planning on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is brilliant planning and 1 is no plan at all.
Time and space to act:
In my experience, the first three items are not enough to get clear action. What is also needed is time and space for action towards the new goal. Sometimes this means that other things must be finished off before the process of building towards the new goal can start. With clients, issues in the way of starting, but nothing to do with the new goal, have been all over the place, from major private life distractions (affairs, illness, children, financial problems, other changes in relations lives, general busy-ness), to work needs (their diary is full of other junk and the first issue is to deal with priorities and change roles).
Get a score on this one too.
The next step is a bit analytical, but kind of works. Multiply the scores and express the result and divide by 1000, express this as a percentage. Have a go. Anything less than 60% is too low for quick change. The beauty of the division of issues is it shows you, as coach, where to help the client focus.
I don't think any client has ever come in and told me what their real issues or goals are at the first meeting. Finding these only comes after the relationship has built, rapport is good and trust has developed. And after I have asked quite a lot of questions.
Life is messy, and simple analysis will only take you so far as a coach.
More on goals next time around, in the meantime I hope you enjoyed this and try out the scoring on yourself. Pick a meaningful issue or you will get a meaningless answer! Do you even tell yourself the real issues? I dare you to.
Best wishes
Friday, 22 October 2010
Rapport - How to Create It
Rapport is an essential element for a good coaching session.
At the heart of the issue is the ability of the coach to gain rapport. Once established it can be used help the client change, to lead a change of energy, for example either to reduce stress or to raise enthusiasm. It can be used by an adept coach to gain emotional engagement with an important issue for the client.
How do you create it?
I have never been convinced by the idea of deliberate physical matching. The idea is that people in rapport are in sync, and body language, tonality, expression, volume, energy all start to match. While the observation of this clearly true, I have always found attempts to match me rather obvious and they tend to put me on alert for manipulation rather than make me feel at ease.
It does work if you want to break rapport; it is pretty easy to get out of an unwanted conversation by using opposite/disengaging body language.
I have found two principles from my own experience which I have found very useful however:
It is probably the hardest thing to do, in reality, as the urge to judge, to disagree, or to listen to and add your own opinion, is strong in many people. The approach of acceptance counselling it is called "unconditional positive regard" and comes from a useful assumption that your client, regardless of how well things are going, is always doing their best.
Acceptance of the person as they are has to be really meant, it is not something easily feigned, so it needs to be geniune. This does not mean you will not have some tough truths to discuss. However you have to earn the right to be heard and the starting point for this is to listen enough such that you understand as fully as possible, before working.
You may need to think about whether you can unconditionally accept yourself without judgement , before you will be able to be like this really well with clients.
The second bullet requires a quiet mind and a broader focus. Attention should be to body language, facial expression, tone of voice, colour, volume, pace of speaking, and hand movements as well as their words. A strategy I use is to broaden my focus to take in the whole person, and a good way to do this is to notice their breathing rate and see if you can match it. Doing this can take you deeply into rapport very quickly and it is a lightly meditative technique that quiets the mind naturally and tends to allow the awareness to expand. Try to notice and use the same language: seeing, feeling, hearing language signals can easily be picked up and emulated.
It does take practice. You can try it on the train, quietly and without intrusion, observing your fellow travellers and trying to get a sense of their breathing. I also look for mixed messages when doing this - things that contradict can be good clues to hidden information. The expression "I am very confident about this" supported by a very defensive bit of body language, is interesting.
A genuine and non-judgemental interest, coupled with quiet and broad attention to your client will tell you a lot and very quickly get you into their energy zone. You will be surprised how quickly genuine rapport builds.
If you pick this information up well, and use it in your coaching, the listening and understanding of your client will go up and up and up. Milton Erikson, the famous medical hypnotist and psychiatrist, suggested using 100% of the information one is given, and considering 100% of the problem. It is a very useful suggestion.
When you have it, by, in neuro-linguistic programming terms, pacing the client's state, you can then gently lead the energy during your session, to your client's advantage.
Try it and let me know what you notice.
At the heart of the issue is the ability of the coach to gain rapport. Once established it can be used help the client change, to lead a change of energy, for example either to reduce stress or to raise enthusiasm. It can be used by an adept coach to gain emotional engagement with an important issue for the client.
How do you create it?
I have never been convinced by the idea of deliberate physical matching. The idea is that people in rapport are in sync, and body language, tonality, expression, volume, energy all start to match. While the observation of this clearly true, I have always found attempts to match me rather obvious and they tend to put me on alert for manipulation rather than make me feel at ease.
It does work if you want to break rapport; it is pretty easy to get out of an unwanted conversation by using opposite/disengaging body language.
I have found two principles from my own experience which I have found very useful however:
- Within the confidentiality of a client coaching session, accept your client as they are without judgement.
- Learn to focus your attention on the whole presentation you are receiving, including noticing how it is delivered.
It is probably the hardest thing to do, in reality, as the urge to judge, to disagree, or to listen to and add your own opinion, is strong in many people. The approach of acceptance counselling it is called "unconditional positive regard" and comes from a useful assumption that your client, regardless of how well things are going, is always doing their best.
Acceptance of the person as they are has to be really meant, it is not something easily feigned, so it needs to be geniune. This does not mean you will not have some tough truths to discuss. However you have to earn the right to be heard and the starting point for this is to listen enough such that you understand as fully as possible, before working.
You may need to think about whether you can unconditionally accept yourself without judgement , before you will be able to be like this really well with clients.
The second bullet requires a quiet mind and a broader focus. Attention should be to body language, facial expression, tone of voice, colour, volume, pace of speaking, and hand movements as well as their words. A strategy I use is to broaden my focus to take in the whole person, and a good way to do this is to notice their breathing rate and see if you can match it. Doing this can take you deeply into rapport very quickly and it is a lightly meditative technique that quiets the mind naturally and tends to allow the awareness to expand. Try to notice and use the same language: seeing, feeling, hearing language signals can easily be picked up and emulated.
It does take practice. You can try it on the train, quietly and without intrusion, observing your fellow travellers and trying to get a sense of their breathing. I also look for mixed messages when doing this - things that contradict can be good clues to hidden information. The expression "I am very confident about this" supported by a very defensive bit of body language, is interesting.
A genuine and non-judgemental interest, coupled with quiet and broad attention to your client will tell you a lot and very quickly get you into their energy zone. You will be surprised how quickly genuine rapport builds.
If you pick this information up well, and use it in your coaching, the listening and understanding of your client will go up and up and up. Milton Erikson, the famous medical hypnotist and psychiatrist, suggested using 100% of the information one is given, and considering 100% of the problem. It is a very useful suggestion.
When you have it, by, in neuro-linguistic programming terms, pacing the client's state, you can then gently lead the energy during your session, to your client's advantage.
Try it and let me know what you notice.
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