Energised? Drained? Stuck between?

I have found the personal SWOT quite a hard to exercise to conclude at times.

There was never a problem getting lots of ideas, even if my clients were a little reticent on their strengths and weaknesses. However we would often review the results, take the step back and ask "what does that tell us", and find it hard to draw the conclusions.

This is probably because it is normal for connections between information to take time to percolate and emerge from the slightly clunky creative parts of our brains.  It seems to me an easier process for larger groups and on broader subjects.

A really productive way to work through this is to ask personal energy questions.  This requires a combination of some of the ideas of for validation of personal strengths from Martin Seligman with the SWOT.

Look at the strengths.  Ask which one is the client's real sweet spot strength.  As well as the skill that knocks the ball out of the ground, it is also common to find it is an energy giving skill, so: they lose track of time, it's effortless or energy rises, it feels like the real them, they feel purposeful using it, they get a real buzz etc.

Doing this on a mind map, I usually colour it in green.

Then I ask for the antithesis on the weaknesses side...so this is the weakness that, should it be triggered, is the worst thing that could happen, makes time stand still or drag, drains energy really fast, makes the guts twist and the head spin, and tends to effect everything else.

I call it "the drain" and colour it red.

You may not like my names or colours: feel free to change them!  If you do try this approach I think you will find that the drain blocks the sweet spot in some vital aspect of your clients' business and personal life, and it is a good place to start to unpack unconscious preferences.

Have fun with my souped up SWOT, all due recognition to those that generated the original ideas, even if not usually served up quite like this meal .

Sweet SWOT Strategy "6"

Those of you in the Mindshop (www.mindshop.com) group will know we have been working through "business sweet spots" in our business leader groups over the last month.  We also do a version of SWOT analysis with our clients called strategic SWOT - which uses cross referral between the categories to develop strategy.

Combining sweet spots and strategic SWOT has given a real enhancement to my SWOT reviews with clients this month.  Here's the process:

1. Analyse the business sweet spots
   Sweet spots are strengths - but the metaphor of the "middle of the bat" implied by "sweet spot", encourages clients  really to think about those areas of effortless success inside their businesses, and tends to limit the selection to those aspects that are real strengths.
   
   Useful discussion can be undertaken around how to maintain, use more broadly, learn from or enhance each.  Try mind-mapping these out, and picking a few strategies up as you go.
   
2. Identify growth and profit opportunities
   
   This area is always worth thought, and detail.  Look for the specifics and avoid anything vague; look for things that can actually be done.
   
3. For each opportunity establish, at least, the sustainable competitive advantage needed or held to take it
   
   Focussed like this on an individual market opportunity really makes us think deeply about the specific customer advantages that need to be delivered, and therefore the marketing and operational strategies that could be adopted.
   
   Look for rights over intellectual property, key physical assets and systems that will be used, project leadership, supplier partnerships etc.  Be really clear about the market opportunity; which clients, in which order, why will they buy, where will it lead?
   
4. List the resources required and identify those that are critically limited
   
   Again this is a far more focussed review then just a review of weaknesses.  Encourage the client just to note those resources that are critically limited - these will need increased sufficiently or will prevent growth and profit.  There is no may here - we are looking for the ones that "will" limit action, and for specific strategies to deal with this.
   
5. Check for risks
   
   Rather than look for threats, use a thorough risk analysis tool, like "failure mode effect analysis", and absolutely ensure that there are plans in place for any risks that score above the set index.  A useful approach is to review FMEA against each sweet spot, each limited resource and finally against each growth and profit opportunity.  Thoroughness is an advantage when working the tools at this stage.
   
6. "6" is for Strategy
   
   Now go through all of the detailed work, taking a step back.  Having gone through everything, what comes out for you?  Use the 80:20 rule and select the 20% of listed strategic actions you feel will gain you the most.   Slot these into your one page plan and crack on with implementation.

I have found the enhancements above to the normal strategic SWOT stimulating of creativity and detail, and  very useful in driving out strategic plans with clients.

As an aside, I know many of you will be moving into using tablet devices of one sort or another to work with clients and I am using my iPad very thoroughly these days.  I use "Mindmanager" (enterprise edition) on my pc.  You can download the allied "Mindjet" App from AppStore, which has many of the best features.  Interestingly mind-mapping this works perfectly for the above tool with the first six map elements taking the themes set out above.

I hope you enjoy working this tool with clients and find some benefits in my method.

Pearls or wands?

Hi fellow business coaches

I have recently been thinking about "step change" in my coaching business.  Let me explain: business is going well, I totally love the work, and have more time.  I spoke to a few people about "step change", for those of you who are in Mindshop, Chris has offered to respond and I am looking forward to engaging with him.  Time to use the "magic wand" on doubling sales!

I also raised it with Sian [Hi Sian :-)], my NLP coach and supervisor.

We talked around the subject for about an hour and gradually I got the strangest feeling of travelling back to my centre.

Sian asked finally, "So why is it that you do this, what is it that gives you this energy?"

Like a flash the answer came back, "It's my "pearl days", Sian!"   "What do you mean?".  Says she.

When I am with a client and the subject is serious, after a time as we work we get to a moment of real change: the atmosphere changes, perspective seems to range high or close down - it shifts, and it's suddenly 1000 times more exciting as the client gains new resourcefulness.  I call moments like this "pearl days".

When you are coaching, you are often in a privileged position, hearing otherwise unspoken fears and issues in a place of safety and I was reminded that "my business" is a natural outcome of these amazing "pearl moments", built from a grain of sand, imperfect, but beautifully transforming.

I keep them on a prayer bead necklace and sometimes count back through these moments of human-being, as if speaking out blessings.

Focussing on "step-change"?  Well, its focussing on the wrong thing.  I am focussing on attracting more pearl days and letting the rest look after itself.

Insignificance

Hi Coaches

On the PB Entrepreneurs blog today I posted an article, with the same title as this, about inhibition.

I have been thinking about significant people and what holds back that magic connection you can sometimes get and both this and the Entrepreneurs article are part of the result.  This one is for you and is more about method and structure for bringing out inhibition.

Firstly - why am I writing?

Maybe you won't agree with this.  I have long known about repression and inhibition, and in my own life been aware of problems on the inside.  Although, when I look back on the resolution to these through my own coaching I can see that I then was able to move forwards in life, I had not fully connected the two aspects.

Here is the thought.  When something is not right on the inside, but you haven't realised or admitted it, you can also stop making positive decisions and driving yourself forwards in life.  Recent difficulties in my own business, which are all resolved but during the process in which they played out were painful, led me to decisions to change my role.  I had thought that all these changes were positive, and they were made for good and valid reasons.

However when a colleague was talking to me about it recently (coaching me) I realised also that the painful side of the experience had left me inhibited, and less prepared to lead.  I had withdrawn.  As a consequence I had placed myself on a less significant path.  I was being less connected to others.  I was setting up a more muted state.

The realisation and admission, made with some emotion, was a tremendous thing.   I was left refreshed and ready to dive back in.

This led me to thinking about my clients and of course a higher level of realisation of the damaging effect on their energetic action of hidden problems.  It also gave me an insight into the very high value of the accepting coach/confidante, who can facilitate expression of hidden truths.

This can be done in a simple strategy workshop - the chance to speak about what is really wanted in life. Often it happens at a deeper level in a personal coaching session, where deeper anxieties can be realised and spoken.  The act of speaking is often cathartic, comes with an emotional shift, and although not always fully understood from a rational perspective, it nearly always releases action back on the path of a life of energy and purpose.

Hope that makes sense....here is the structure:

Coaching is a process that allows clients to move through these important stages with their issues:

1. Disempowered state Their energy is suppressed for some reason, and they feel anxious, frustrated, angry and often express a lack of success.   They can be more withdrawn than usual, they don't participate, they offer their opinion less, they can appear to be demotivated about important things or distracted.
   
   This is the state they are often in when they call.  Prior to meeting you they are alone with their problem and either unaware but not effective, or are aware in some way, but not sure of the issue.  Sometimes they are completely unaware of a problem but others are, and a referral may be suggested by a friend, colleague or boss.
   
   Clients begin self-disempowered in some way.  Choosing to see you is a move towards regaining their power.
   
2. The significant things are hidden
   Clients start to work with you but the real issues are hidden.  Clients are aware of something, but it's a mess of feelings and images that they cannot express.  We might say the issue is hidden, or inexpressible.  You may notice they present with trivia.  It is important to notice this and remember that it takes a while for honesty to arise, and often this is because they have not yet brought into their own consciousness what the real problems are.  There is certainly fear of disclosure, and that leads to people saying trivial things in the first place.
   
   Coaching approaches at this stage vary.  It is fundamentally important however to create a "state of safety" for your client.  This includes building rapport and exercising non-judgement (see my earlier posts on this blog).  Non-judgemental, active listening and gentle questioning are vital and a recognition that a state of not-knowing can take a while to work through.  Be patient and know that if you can facilitate some understanding it is worth every penny to your client to be with you.
   
   I might use intuition tools, questions and response, drawing, grovian questions, and metaphor.  I would suggest that working with images (either in imagination or using drawings) with suggestion can be very powerful.  Working on beliefs or life purpose are two great ways to access deeper inhibitions.
   
3. The issue cannot be spoken
   The next stage is realisation but fear of saying the truth out loud; fear of real admission.
   
   As coach it is important to recognise the fear of disclosure that most clients face.  These fears are irrational because we all share them to some degree, and of course we are all human and share our fears.   However, we can also imagine the childish and irrational fears over admitting something that we feel humiliated about.
   
   Part of the issue can be because deeper issues are normally wrapped up in strong feelings.  Most cultures and groups have social rules about not expressing emotion, especially for men.  If there is even a little emotion connected to an issue, there can be fears both of that being seen by another and it being an access to all sorts of pent up stress.  The fear of being overwhelmed by emotion and displaying it publicly are significant.  They are a major cause of inhibition.  Be aware of it and use your words carefully to make sure it is not just acceptable but welcome.  Also allow your client to move past it quickly.
   
4. I can say it to myself
   The next major step forwards toward regaining power is recognition within the client.  As coach you may not be privileged to hear what has been realised in words.  However you will see it happen if you are observant - a shift of colour and of expression betraying deep emotion is often evidence of deep realisation and inner change.
   
   This can be enough for your client.  They know what to do suddenly.  You move onto working out how to do it.   Well formed goals and forcefield can work well here.
   
   As coach if you see something shift like this, don't be inhibited yourself.  You have no right to insist on being told what has been realised but feel free to ask!  If needed be prepared to work in code to get confirmation.   I recently had to suggest to a client that they closed their eyes to say what had been realised to me; out of the eye line and hidden from view I existing slightly less to them, just enough of a shift to allow expression.  These are subtle things; be prepared to break eye contact or use eye contact to redirect their gaze away from you.  It is less intense, more private and may allow the words to come out.
   
5. I can say it to another
   Nearly the final stage on this issue for the coach, your client admits the issue to you and you are now able to facilitate a fuller understanding of the issue and help them reframe their beliefs about it and frankly to think differently; to gain even more perspective.
   
   It is a real privilege to receive disclosure.  It implies a relationship of deeper trust, and there is a consequent obligation to support the next step.
   
   With clients you can quickly get into the "now, where, how" tool, helping them to set up their goals and think about the type of solution they want.  The "Desire x Vision x Planning tool" (DVP) may still be needed to gain sufficient motivation to deal with the issue outside of coaching.  This brings me to the final stage.
   
6. I can say this to whom I need to
   The final stage of each coaching programme is help your client get better action and implementation going.  Fundamentally this means them gaining the energy and momentum to go and deal with their issues, without "losing it".  You will all know how to put together a great plan and know that "how you go about it" is rich with choices for better outcomes.

Stage 1 and 6 are without the coach.   The rest normally occur within the privacy and safety of the coaching circle.

I hope you don't feel this post is trite.  Of course many issues are dealt with naturally all day long without need for serious coaching support.  Coaching is relevant for the ones that are real challenges for our clients, and we all know what it is like to wake at night with deep anxieties about life and what is to come.   I am always surprised to hear clients whom I regard as highly successful people admit they do not feel successful and are filled with self-doubt.

No doubt we can all recall times when we were seriously stuck and needed help.  I hope these ideas about the structure of coaching are helpful to your work in helping others!  

Don't take it too seriously or too lightly ;-), coaching is an enigma, but it is not an insignificant activity.  I wish you more significant weeks.

It's not logical but it works

In Western civilisation, with our scientific approach to life, we focus on reason, logic, facts and understanding.  This focus is essential and helpful.  However I often feel that in doing so we miss some of the key ingredients of the process of finding solutions to problems; the need to understand can get in the way of success.

Spock:  I'm unhappy to find I am
happy, its not logical!

Gaining insight is important, and it is useful if it helps your client decide on a new course of action that works better for them.  However, sometimes insight does not help.  Knowing you are an alcoholic is a step forwards, but is not enough to stop the drinking.

Talking through decision making with a group of clients the other day, it was clear that, while all used rational and logical analysis before making a big decision, two key ingredients were missing:

• Whether they feel motivated or still have inner conflict, and 
• Any information about what would actually happen.

While little decisions can be easy, big decisions appeared to require what we call a "leap of faith" and no one in the room really understood what made this happen, or why it happened.  Not having that information did not stop the movement though, or prevent the success or failure of the decision to act.

A lot of clients come in with decisions to be made, and a lot can be done to help by adding rational analysis, to speed up this review.   That can be enough to help.  However it is not always enough, and this suggests to me that all the rationality is doing is helping an inner intuition towards or away from acting.

For many the logic is of little help.  They will present in a confusing mix of information - some emotion, some fact.   

I find it useful to access their intuitive response, and although it is interesting, I find it rarely useful to understand it.  What is useful is that something has shifted and a change takes place; allowing this to remain a mystery lets you get on with the task in hand on not waste time.

A client asked for help to stop smoking.   Using visualisation, she was able to "see an image" of the the two parts of her, one that wanted to smoke, and one that wanted her to stop.   She was then able to "speak to each part" and listen to the response.  During this imagination and light hypnotic work, the images shifted and she began to feel differently.  She responded with emotion to the work she was doing.  She heard the positive intention of the smoker: to feel more alive!  She heard the positive intention of the non-smoker: to live longer!

So feeling alive and living longer where the motivations in conflict, and this intuition work brought them out.

What happened next defies logic.  In the 30 minutes following this work, the tale of how she had started smoking simply poured out of her.  We completed the session using affirmations - layering a series of positive emotions that made her feel fully alive on a pressure point (using the anchoring techniques in NLP).  She left with a trigger for feeling fully alive, enriched with positive memories, that she could use instead of a cigarette.

Neither of us knew what was going to happen during this session.  All we knew was that part of her was motivated enough to say that she wanted help.  I have not told the full story to protect its privacy, but she did not consciously know that the story she was going to "tell" was strongly linked to smoking.  The intuition work - using dynamic pictures, imagination and self-talk, accessed the resources she needed to make the change she wanted.

No amount of saying "smoking will damage your health", while clearly rational, was of any help at all!

Hey! Our relationship isn't a "thing"

"Our relationship just isn't working, I think we need to break up"

Sounds bleak, eh.  This is a sentence I hear a lot from coaching clients.  It can be about colleagues, family or friends.  Such statements often come with very strong emotion, and are presented as absolutes - as one way out only statements.  And yet this is being said to the coach, not to the other party.  It may therefore be being presented for review, and not be as absolute as it sounds.

As coaches, our role is to help clients.  Specifically it is our role to help them look at their choices and help increase the range and quality of the options they have.  So we need a way into such rigidly placed barriers and this post considers a few:

• Nominalisation
• Complex words, and 
• Literal and inferential style contrasts

Nominalisation

This refers to the natural process of making concepts.  For example, words like faith or religion, words like science or research, even words like universe or garden all refer to concepts.  The process is natural and useful in language to take a series of ideas and put a word around them to create a reference point and short cut we can all share.

One of the short-comings of this is that it is often used to describe activities and in so doing to make them a noun rather than a process or verb.  For example, "a partnership" sounds like a thing.  It will even (in business) have a legal document that looks like a thing.  Clearly it is not a thing, you can't touch it or wheel it around in a barrow!  It is a process, a network, a group of people working together for some common goals and in accordance with some shared reference points for decisions.

Where nominalisation can become a problem is that it suggests something that is fixed.  Our "relationship" can be seen as a "thing" that is "not working".  It has somehow become externalised and fixed in its nature.  Things seem fixed.  Fixed means unchangeable.  Seeing things in this way can reduce your sense freedom of action, and practically restrict the choices you make.

What can the coach do?  Just check in on the client's language.  Remind them that a relationship refers to the way they are relating, and that of course, as a verb, this describes a series of open choices.  They can change their choices about how to relate in a near infinite variety of creative ways that may help.

Complex Words

Well there are a few juicy ones in the preceding section: relationship, partnership, colleague, love, science, religion, agreement.

What do they mean? Yep, you're right.  They mean different things to different people depending on a heap of unknowns - context, experience, state of mind etc etc.

Complex words are forms of nominalisation, and for the sake of argument may be taken to refer to higher level concept collections.  Science, for example.  I am not sure it is a misuse of the word to say something like "What has science to tell us about this?" but I am also not sure it really means anything - its felicity is to allow virtually any meaning which pays us all in to the conversation.

It is useful to say "let's start a partnership", "let's start a company", "I would like you to become a director", "let's get married", "you're a great partner", "I love you!"  

All of these generalise the intention and allow the parties to agree.  However the words are not specific.  Partnership for you means working 1800 hours at £300 per hour on client work.  Partnership for me means managing the business and no client work.  Love for you means flowers and candlelit dinners, love for me means sharing all the chores.  

Complex words hide the specifics, they are great for agreement at high level, but difficulties will reside in the detail.  Beware!

As coaches, it is always to helpful to draw to the surface the specifics.  When a client says "Our relationship is just not working" you help them draw out the detail.  "How are you relating?  What is it that you want - specifically?  What does your partner want, specifically?  Do you  know?  Have you checked?  Tell me about the last time you were unhappy about something specific?"

Of course this can work the other way up.

For example, if a particular choice has caused a row, you can often find that the higher intention was shared.  If the higher level intention is the same (e.g. protecting our firm) we can at least see that we our values seem to be the same and respect each other at this level.  It is just the specific choice we need to discuss.

What to suggest to clients?  Well there is no substitute for talking the issues through and turning over the specifics. Often doing that with a third party present (coach, colleague, counsellor) can help keep the confusion level down.  It is only fear and courage that prevent conversation and a bit of help on how this can work, or better ways to approach it, can often overcome the worry that a conversation will develop into the same old row.

Literal or inferential styles
Complex words!  As a final thought for you, it can be worth thinking through this common style difference.   For example if I say "I am thirsty" the literal mind responds "He is thirsty!"  The inferential goes a step further and infers intention - "He wants me to make him a cup of tea!"  Do I?  Are you sure?
If you find yourself becoming irritated about apparent intentions, it is just worth checking if you are inferring these or if they are real.

As I head off for that cuppa I'll leave you to think just how easy it is to get into misunderstandings over some of these fundamental word confusions.   Even my cup of tea is really a process, and the marketing man in me wants you to think about whether what I am about to get out of the experience is the same as you would?  If not - it must be tough for a cuppa to be a noun, eh?   Thinking of the whole process of "tea" from start to finish (thinking about tea, to the washed-up cup) I wonder which part you enjoy the most.   I hope that is creatively confusing for you all.

Nick

Do you love your work too much?

I have been reflecting on the toughest issues to influence as a business coach.   Common barriers affecting high flyers include; insufficient strategy, fear of action, poor decision making, low self-confidence, beliefs that do not support success.  However, each of these is relatively easy to spot and there are good ways to work on them to get an impact.

Perhaps the hardest to deal with is loving work too much - where positive intentions collide and the appearance of success in every area distracts the executive from realising there is greater potential entirely missing from the picture.  The specific issue is personal success combining with highly positive attitudes to a range of tasks and not seeing what is not achieved but could be with a different approach.

Here is your high flying CEO; Monday morning.  She picks up the weekly priority list; done the night before (good start).

1.  Read final documents and prepare for final meeting for an acquisition by a top client, really me, love the technical detail and cut and thrust of negotiation, big money on it, tick
2. Cashflow nearing overdraft limits, read partner debt lists and do the rounds with the weaker guys, getting their actions going to bring in some cash, helps the firm, uses my courage and persuasion skills to the full, tick
3. Strategic review preparation; need to read Gladwell's book, and review the market research, talk to the board about the key issues and prepare the ground for Thursdays strategy session.  My experience counts, great fun and vital for our future, tick
4. New client presentation, best fun, I'm really good at it, need to show I can still top the new business chart, tick
5. Property issues to be addressed, where will we go next at the fast growing Manchester office, complex negotiations, lots riding on it, I have vital views on how the practice offices should locate and look, tick
6. Our plans are to double with acquisitions, I have no likely firms in the viewer, need to identify partner to help target and start the process, must be me as I have clear views on the ideal target, tick.
7. Senior and capable colleague having a wobble, offers in from competitor, personal persuasion needed!  Tick.

Great at everything, loving all of it; sound familiar?  It's all good for the firm so what's the issue?

I am reminded of the scene in Band of Brothers - the episode was "the Breaking Point", the scene is the attack on the town of Foy, breaking out after the siege of Bastogne.  Colonel Winter's men are led by Lieutenant Dike, who makes mistakes, leading to casualties and a faltering attack.  Winters had risen to lead his company, loved his men, was a great field leader.  Seeing the problems he rushes forward, and is harshly called back by his commander.  "Winters, get back here, your place is on the line, not in the attack!"  Winters replaces Dike with Spiers in the heat of action and the attack goes in successfully.

Of course Winters could have led in the attack.  But his commander knew only Winters had the experience of his men and battle to manage the overall campaign and unfolding situation.  If distracted by close action, or worse taken out by chance or failure, the whole campaign might fail.

The point of experience is constantly to challenge yourself to have the greatest impact and focus.  Who is forcing you to take a step back and stay focussed on a simple list of your greatest strengths?  My own coach is fond of encouraging an annual "garage sale" of tasks.  Half must go - and each year the half on the fire sale are things that are more impactful than the last year's list.

What are the consequences of giving in to all the pleasures of their high performance ability?

What is the practice or firm missing that it could have by now, but for their distraction?

Why is there no succession of tasks that should not be top of their list, but do need high skill?

What growth could have been achieved had they focussed on increasing activity around their top three skills and replacing resources for the remaining tasks?

Wise CEO's and partners seek to surround themselves with people cleverer than they are.

The hardest thing to get people to realise is that when there appears to be nothing wrong, it is their great capability that might be the biggest barrier to their potential.

Do you love your work too much?  Are you too good to benefit from coaching?

That's not what I meant!

"My dinner's caked and dry on top of the oven, which means you're angry that I am late, and you just don't appreciate the hard work I have to put in to support this family, in fact I'm beginning to wonder if you love me anymore!"

"You've accepted my view and that means you agree with me."

"You're always on time for meetings, which means you respect my needs."

"I can tell from the way you wear your hat that you love me!"

"Because it has snowed we are in for a double dip recession, sledging back down at speed to another crash!"

What a strange and natural skill it seems we have, when you think about it, to make meaning out of apparently unconnected things, and of imposing our meaning where there is none to be found.

You might argue that the search for meaning (the interpretation of what we sense) is a vital strategy for survival.   We watch, we wonder what it all means, and how it will affect us.  We make up some meaning (anger of the gods, a sign from the otherworld, evidence of a slide to a double dip recession), and we choose how to act (say a hail mary, throw salt over our shoulder, stop spending).

As we watch each other's behaviour, there seems, from board room to bedroom, challenge after challenge to judge events, and find a complicated equivalence of meaning between them and our outcomes.

Some of these complex equivalences can become institutionalised:  if you didn't manage to get this sale, it means you are not a good salesperson, if you didn't realise early enough that this unit would fail, it means you have a poor attitude to health and safety.  That person, team, department, is just not working hard enough.  It is fairly common to see an event interpreted into a generalised assumption about a person or group's abilities

Like my last post on universals, this complex equivalence is evident at the heart of a lot of human communication and rife with difficulty.  The problem is that we are only quite good at guessing what things mean.  If it is not that we were too afraid, lazy or careless to check on our accuracy, it is entirely possible that any validating information was also unavailable.

Even when we do trouble to check, it's sometimes not so easy to find out.  "What do you mean?  Not everything is about you, you know!" "I don't want to talk to you right now! :-("

No surprise then that there can be a lot of confusion, even among the highly articulate and intelligent, about what is going on, and a heap of judgements being made about what to do about it too - what is the right and the wrong way to act, who's behaviour is "right" and "wrong".

Our guesses about what a major customer, colleague or loved one "really means" significantly influence our responses.  As relationships build a bit of history, especially through adversity, what started as a series of simple uncorrected misunderstandings can become entrenched difficulties; even legal battles.

There is plenty of material here for the business coach to use.  Firstly, check up on yourself.  You can probably find 4 or 5 situations just in the last week (look for those few where things have not gone quite to plan and a bit of temper or sorrow has resulted).   Were the meanings you made possible...can you map that comment or action to this outcome?  Does it map across?  Is that the only possible meaning?  Did you check?

Having practiced this for a while, you should quickly be able to pick up possible complex equivalence confusion in client presentation - especially about those board room battles that can take up so much energy.

The role of the coach is varied, and a couple of very useful elements are to help clients find perspective, to see things from other angles, and encourage them to increase their range of response.  This applies as much to the internal response (what meaning am I making about this event, and how do I feel about myself and my colleagues as a consequence?) as to the external response (what will I say and do, and how will I do that?).

When you pick up on a strong problematic complex equivalence:  disrupt the thought pattern, challenge the meaning, and look for evidence of alternative meanings and choices.

"So, what happened to my dinner then?"
"Oh, I am so sorry about that, my aunt rang and was on the phone for an hour, John turned up from rugby caked in mud and traipsed it all through the house and by the time I'd cleaned it up it was bath time for the Melanie...I am afraid I just couldn't do it all"
"Oh, and I thought it meant you didn't love me any more, Mike!"
"Awe, Mary, don't be silly, come here, you!"

I've been waiting forever, which means you never cared

Well now, it has been some time since my last post on aspects of communication.  I hope you all had a good break and can forgive and forget the period of reflection I seem to have been in.

This time I pick up on on a real bad boy of communication confusion;  universals (let's nail them, once and for all!)

"Do you know, I just don't think things will ever change around here." Says the senior manager, staring, with dejection, into a plastic cup of stinking semi-hot coffee substitute.  "We always attract the wrong customers and wrong employees, so your idea just will not work; it will fail like all good intentions."

"Oh my", says her boss, feeling the fall of hope like the jerk of a physical drop, "why do you always think that way, it reminds me of every argument we have, you don't have a shred of positivity in you, do you?"

Universals are the blunt heavy weapons of a row.  Ever, forever, always, all, every, none, not a shred!

As you read through the words of these imaginary colleagues, you can quickly get a feel for their great, big, huge barriers.  The first speaker as a response to some unspecified call to action; her thoughts betraying a quick exit for all energy and motivation.  The second showing the size of her frustration with the first colleague.  Here we have actions and people being bludgeoned flat with universal words.

Generalisations can be such a naturally useful way of sifting through the complexity of life, but watch your words (and the words of those around you), as they powerfully affect potential for positive change.  They also tell you a lot about the way colleagues perceive their world and their choices.

More positively, the thoughts and behaviours they mark out are learned, and can be unlearned!

A good example of the way psychologists look at universals to indicate a person's range of choice comes from Seligman's work on learned optimism.  He uses three universal dimensions to gauge an optimism or pessimism score (a measure of the level of each in your character).  These are;

• time (I tend to think of problems as likely to last forever)
• pervasiveness (I tend to think that problems will affect me in every part of my life) and finally
• size (I tend to think that problems will have a big impact)

Simply put, universal language can betray someone who is anticipating very generalised consequences, limiting their likely choices towards running for cover, or fighting for a way out.  I.e. triggering fear or anger with the thoughts.

There are two points I want to make here, which can be useful to be aware of in your coaching:

1. The extreme conditions that universal language suggest, often the most extreme, are of course possible, but are the least likely to prevail.   Always?  Unlikely.
2. The second is that their presence is often a signal that the speaker is challenged by the circumstance, and more emotional (fearful or angry) than when less challenged.  You hear it more commonly in a row, or about a difficult new venture or change at work.   The sense of universality can be stored in the emotion, which can trigger memories of past occasions when similar things have happened, and "add up" the history of difficulty for the speaker.

In relationships this can be the result of past experience of difficulty in resolving problems due to the way of thinking.  I.e. universal thinking can self-perpetuate problems, and over time the feelings can become more sabotaging.

As coach, there are a number of ways to deal with universals:

1. Respect the speaker to be telling the truth.  Ask more questions and elicit if they are truly experiencing the challenge as universally difficult, or is it simply the words.
2. Find out about the size of the underlying fear, the pervasiveness, the future fear and what past occasions seem similar. 
3. As you keep rapport, gently challenge the universals by finding evidence to the contrary.

For example, if you hear someone say "My boss is untrustworthy, he is always trying to get one over on me.  I can never trust him."  You explore in this way.  "Ok, I understand that you think your boss is never trustworthy.  I can see that your life must be made more difficult by the lack of trust you have for him.   What specifically don't you trust?  When was the most recent occasion?  What did you think was his real motive?  What told you that was the case?" 

Then change direction.  "When you get on best with him, what is that like?  Ok, so sometimes, when you are getting on with him well, do you still distrust him at that moment?" etc.  Pausing, listening and gently reflecting back evidence to the contrary.

I might gather this for a while and then explain how universal language can be both helpful and unhelpful and sum up what I have heard them say..  "So, you feel your boss is always trying to get one over on you.  Yes?"  "Yes".  "But recently working on the so and so situation, you got on really well and felt you were on the same wavelength and you trusted that exercise.  Yes too?" "Er...yes"  "So, always?"  "No OK, not always, but most of the time!"  "Fair enough!"  

At this point there is a bit of an untangling of the sense of forever and the specific is ready to be examined.  "So tell me, what is different about the time when you don't trust, and feel you are being duped, and the time when all is well?  Tell me the specifics?"  "When you were last in a situation where you distrusted his motive, what other motives could he have had?"

A useful exercise here, is to get them to role play the situation as them, as their boss, and as an independent observer.  Use three chairs positioned in a triangle and get them to move chair.  It will help them get different perspectives, and unpick the unhelpful universality of their view, revealing creative choices.

The point of this post is to help you understand how sometimes, people place their own word barriers in the way of their choices.  By working with universal thoughts, the specific occasion, time and context can become lost, generalised out of the picture.  There is always more choice available, and, taking a rock hammer to the mountain of forever, one can normally find a few new pathways into the problem. 

"Ah", I hear you say,"you say that you don't judge, and yet your building of rapport is just a pretext to show your judgement gently to your client, which means that you are really manipulative!"

Ah, my friend, this complex equivalence of created meanings is the next sharp rock to skirt in the swirling winds of verbal confusion through which we sail.  It is the next buoy to tack! The subject of my next post.

I hope your weeks are totally awesome, you never look back with regret or sorrow.  May your cups refill perpetually, and your profit know no limit.

Nick

Your problem is you just don't flaming well listen!

I'll bet you have had that said to you.  If not, you probably don't listen!

How unfair.  How hurtful.  How I feel that on the inside and sense my anger hormones cooking up a good explosive stew.  Or maybe its true, the sports were just that much more compelling than voices off.

Of course you listen.  But to what?  And with what level of understanding?

The real problem is that so much information is present, our busy brains choose what to hear and what to ignore and most of the time this is an unconscious, and habitual process.  Without training, what is heard is pretty random stuff, ranging from noises off stage, to the inner voice arguing with what is being said, and all places in between.  Not much space is left for ascertaining meaning.  A whole profession of diplomacy has arisen to fill the gap where this might lead to war.

After non-judgement (which gets your opinions to quieten down giving you a chance to hear without interference), the next core skill of the coach is listening.  Some call it active listening.  I use intuitive listening, full attention listening, process listening, analytic listening, and, always listening with feedback.

In this post, I am going to try to get you started with listening skills.

First some headlines and then one bit of detail and some guidance....to get good at this you will really need to practice a lot.  I mean like as much as you might do with your favourite hobby or your profession!  A lot of a lot.

Here are some things from NLP texts and other sources to think about:

In the language:

Sensory frame

• Feelings - "I feel bad", can also be eating, "you want me to swallow that hook, line and sinker?" 
• Seeing - "I cannot see this working"
• Hearing - "That doesn't sound good to me"
• Think - "I can't process this right now"
• Tasting - "This leaves a bad taste in the mouth", or "Sweet!"
• Smell - "I smell a rat!"

Grammatical Distortion

• Deletion - "that really hurts me" What hurts and how it does it are deleted.
• Universals - "you will never change" An unlikely absolute!
• Nominalisation - "this relationship is not working." A relationship is a verb, not a thing, the way we are relating can be changed.
• Cause effect confusion - "When you look that way you make me mad."  Somehow pressing buttons on your insides...how exactly?
• Complex equivalence - "the way you looked when you said that tells me I just cannot trust what you say."  Maps unconnected things together - how can you tell what the look meant?
• Mind reading - "I know what you are thinking." Huh? You're reading my mind?
• Pre-supposition - "I know you won't like this."  Huh? You read my mind without me even speaking?
• Complex words - "I love you."  For me, a tidy house!  For you, candles at dinner.  Different meanings for the same word, kind of a mix of several of the above.

Conversational process

• Repetition - looping around an issue
• No pausing to check understanding
• Interruptions with "what I think"
• Dominant, submissive, indifferent
• Content transaction analysis - parent like, child like
• Logic, emotive, irrational
• Flowing or interrupted
• Ordered or jumping around
• Past, present and future orientation
• Use of method - metaphor, story
• Towards/away from orientation
• Validation - how do I know its right - inside? Others say so? Bit of both?
• Attention on self or others 
• "Modal" influence - obligations or possibilities, needs or wants?
• Big picture, details, bit of both
• Stressors - people, emotions, things, choices?
• Etc!!!

In the body

Sub-modalities

• Tone of voice
• Pitch, speed, volume
• "Colour" in the words themselves, e.g. level of descriptive or type of descriptive
• Changes in these

Physical features (more Eckman and psychology than NLP)

• Skin colour, showing emotion shift
• Eyes in particular for tells of emotion
• Eye direction (may show recall, creation, shame etc)
• Blink rate
• Breathing rate, big changes e.g. sigh, holding breath, very low breath, panting.
• Emblems (accidental emphasis, e.g. forms a fist)
• Changes in manipulators (e.g. rubbing an ear or cheek) or gesticulation
• Satir poses (blamer, placater, distractor, leveller, calculator body postures)
• Micro expressions and related non-facial physical movements (tension, relaxation)
• Crying, laughing
• Gross movement (very still, to walking around while talking)

In all of the above pick up on changes or on signs that conflict with each other.  Saying "I am very happy about this" said with a look of fear, a flash of red on the cheek or neck, and an increase in manipulators tells at least two stories at once. Both may be true but probably for different reasons.

In the atmosphere

Intuitive responses to your client, what do you sense or pick up?  In the way a yawn is contagious if you have rapport you may well sense something they are feeling:

• Fear
• Stress/tension
• Other emotions
• Rapport
• Sense of time
• Attention intensity - close up, hear the traffic outside?

It is impossible to pick up on all these and the many other factors that may be present.  With a bit of practice you might notice some of them, and they will tell you a lot.

If, as a coach, you are going to pick up the information you need, it is essential to "tune in" to the session and use your whole presence to pay close attention to the client's meaning.

Remember, your client will rarely really know their own meaning.  They probably come with a series of relatively unformed thoughts and related feelings that they wish to resolve.   Often after sessions with my coach, I have also gone out without knowing how or what has changed, just feeling a lot better.  I have learned to accept this too as a good outcome.  Understanding you are too stressed doesn't make you less stressed.  Understanding can be over-rated!

The most important thing as you start is to take time, to pause and reflect back to your client what you think you have understood and check your understanding.  This allows them to elaborate, correct or confirm and you can move ahead.  When checking, check all around - is this what you think, is this what it feels like for you, is this what the past present and future consequences are?  Is this what you want to speak out loud to me?

As your skills as a listener develop, your active involvement in the process will increase and intuition (the quick feedback of learned skills when they are needed) will improve.  But being listened to alone without any intervention or guidance is also a blessing rarely bestowed and a good place to start.

I'll come back to each of these areas in a bit more detail in later posts, and also cover some of the useful assumptions that you can make, straight out of neuro-linguistic programming, that may well help you be a more effective listener.

One of my favourites is confusingly called by Bodenhamer and Hall in their "Users manual to the Brain" selective restrictional violation and refers to a habit of conferring  human intention on inanimate things.   A great example is the comment "oh, those chocolate biscuits are calling to me!" used to weird effect in a recent chocolate bar ad.

Well, there you go, I can hear the Shiraz in the kitchen telling me to get a life, and a glass, so that's all for now.  Post up your experiences of deeper meaning below the shallow surface of communication and I'll come back with more detail in the next week or so on some of these ideas.

One final comment before the glass of wine.  Do you think it is ever possible to listen and understand without changing the meaning of what has been said?  A so called "clean process"?  Read the above, abbreviated, list of half-noticed features of communication again, check how many apply to your own communication and whether you have much control over them, and then answer my question.

Am I good enough? Non-judgement and self-acceptance in Coaching

At the heart of a coaching partnership is acceptance, without judgement, of my client.  In order to hold this attitude, I must also accept myself without judgement.  This coaching note is about non-judging, and seeks to address the question "am a good enough?" with a wholehearted "yes!"

As I think about what to write about this, I quickly realise what a huge subject this is.  So for now I am going to limit myself to a few sources for the thinking and then a quick parting comment.  I believe non-judging and self-acceptance are hard to achieve and I hope the following makes sense for you.

Why is non-judgement needed in coaching?
Judging, criticism, contempt, scorn - so often are the daily meat and drink of life.  So attuned are many people to rights and wrongs of others, that they read criticism in each expression (or think they do).  And more painful and challenging than the external voices, are the internal ones; echo's of learned attitudes, past errors, failures, regrets; often disguised in the remembered tones of past authority.  Yet our voices, my voice, I, am talking to myself!

So many people come to see me damaged and dented.  They wear toughened and scratched carapaces for protection from the outside world.  And despite these protections, they can still hear the internal voice of doubt and scorn.  Self-doubt and self-scorn that undermine potential; holding back honesty, and action through fear of pain.

And what is on the inside, governs what comes out into the world.  From a critical internal world it is very hard to be non-critical of others.  From a cold and lonely internal world, it is hard to give warmth.  From an internal world that is fractured and unfamiliar, it is hard to listen with stillness and attention to the inner world of your client.   From a fractured self-confidence, it is hard to stand firm and let go of fear.

There is some good material on this in Deepak Chopra's "Seven Laws of Spiritual Success".   In the "Law of giving" he says and I paraphrase, what you pay attention to in your life will grow and flourish around you.  If you want receive money, be generous, as giving and receiving are just alternate parts of the same flow of energy and by taking part the flow increases rather than stagnating.  If you want love, be loving.  If you want happiness, bring happiness to others.   Watch out!  This is generalisation and while I have often found the comments above to be useful, I am not saying they are truths.

If you want something more scientifically validated than the philosophical Chopra, read Martin Seligman's "Authentic Happiness", for research based psychological material.  In here you will find that "judgement" is just one of a wide range of  "signature strengths".  These read a little like philosophical virtues, and in Seligman's psychological research, 25 are suggested.   Watch out again.   Good science knows its limits too.

His research attempts to show that the strategies that people adopt that make them happy are not the opposite of those who are more unhappy, they are simply different.  Key to happiness (rather like Chopra's comment), is putting time and energy into your character strengths.  Judgement is only one of these, alongside curiosity, wisdom, courage, playfulness, fairness, etc.  Criticism and judgement is overplayed!  [There is a great deal of published research on www.authentichappiness.com and a whole coaching programme around happiness available for those with greater interest, plus tests you can take yourself to find your level of optimism your signature strengths and other useful psychological profiles].

Finally I might point you to "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, in which he shows, via experiment, that a high presence of stonewalling, criticism, contempt and scorn correlate very highly with divorce for couples and being sued for professionals.

Fundamentally I do not believe that coaching, outside of the teaching and practising new knowledge and skills, is of any great use.  However a coaching relationship is very helpful, as it provides a space for self-exploration and self-coaching.  In my experience, all of my clients have found the resources they needed to deal with their difficulties and opportunities, and our relationship has been an important creative element in this discovery.

So far as I can understand, what is going on is that, by accepting them as they are, and focussing on them and their issue, by keeping judgement out of the arena, listening and being calm, their mental state seems to change.  More confidence and calm arises, more trust to speak about the things they fear and hide from, more openness, and :  More Acceptance of Themselves As They Are.

Once this acceptance begins to arise, it becomes possible for them to begin to act in a new direction which can be more helpful.

This is a huge and complex subject and I have not done it any justice (judging).  Suspending criticism and judgement is probably not possible for most people, certainly if it is a core signature strength for you (in which case, if I am right, coaching may not be a strength).

As I have said before, the important thing is to be aware of it, to notice your judgements and criticisms of your client arise, and to be able to choose to keep silent, keep listening and to keep them at bay at least until you have more fully understood what is going on.  A good way to do this is to confirm understanding without commenting critically.  It will at least distract you from giving your opinion!

Self-awareness is the first step, and requires some self-exploration.  Awareness of others at a deeper level can then begin.

Emotional-physical states are "catching" in a group of people.  A yawn breeds a yawn, anger or contempt leads to a fight, enthusiasm brings excitement, moving leads to following.  There is plenty of verifiable research on all of this, and you may well have noticed it yourself.

If you are going to coach, make sure you can influence your own state of mind, as it will affect your client and the outcome of the session powerfully.  And the first lesson is, be happy with yourself and it will allow others to become more happy with themselves too.

Happiness breeds laughter.  Laughter breeds happiness.  Learn to smile at yourself with good humour and deep affection.  You may find that accepting smile reflecting back out as strongly as the warm sun.  ;-)

Getting change with coaching - the Change Potential

I said in an earlier post, the traditional wisdom that you cannot change other people, only yourself, is not right.  In fact all relationships influence in some way, its just that the choice of how we are influenced belongs to us.  In coaching, your client must, by choosing coaching, be choosing change, and finding it hard.

So change is inevitable, your job is to help them find the resources they need to change more positively, perhaps to challenge their goal, and also to get there more quickly.

It is crucial to the coaching process that my client achieves some desired change.  An early assessment of this is therefore really an essential component, in my mind, of accepting a coaching relationship.  There has got to be a good reason for the work.  If there isn't one it's not really good for the coach and it's a waste of time for the client.  So how to assess it?

Change is natural, change is almost the same as saying "time".  As time passes we change.  The question is are we consciously and positively influencing it in the way we want?

The coach doesn't achieve change - the client does.  The client has to do the work and it's the role of the coach to listen, facilitate, teach and guide around the issues in the way or that may help.

I look for four things to assess the potential for change:

Clear goals
Motivation to achieve them
A Plan: A to F and all the steps between
Time and space to act

Each one has to be strong for the change potential to be high.  One way to use this is simply to ask questions around each aspect. 

Clear goal questions:
What is your goal here?  What do you need?  What do you want?  How do you see yourself changing through this programme?  What do you feel is missing from your career/life etc?  On a scale of 1 to 10, how clear is your goal?

If the answer is less than an 8, you need to do more work on goals first.

Motivation:
At the root, either desire or fear are the core motivators.  Some clients want to get out of a situation that makes them uncomfortable or stressed.  With these it is a good idea to help them find a new goal to move towards, to help the intention become more positive.  Others simply want something new; they have a goal in mind.  If the goal is clear or the current situation is very unpleasant, motivation should be high.   On a scale of 1 to 10, how strong is your motivation for the goal.

If you have a score less than 8, your client's goal or fear are not really that compelling, and change is unlikely.

Planning questions:
Do you know how to do this?  What are the little steps you need to take?  What resources do you need?  How do you need other people to change or help to make this possible?  Can you see/sense how you will do this?
Score the planning on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is brilliant planning and 1 is no plan at all.

Time and space to act:
In my experience, the first three items are not enough to get clear action.  What is also needed is time and space for action towards the new goal.   Sometimes this means that other things must be finished off before the process of building towards the new goal can start.  With clients, issues in the way of starting, but nothing to do with the new goal, have been all over the place, from major private life distractions (affairs, illness, children, financial problems, other changes in relations lives, general busy-ness), to work needs (their diary is full of other junk and the first issue is to deal with priorities and change roles).

Get a score on this one too.

The next step is a bit analytical, but kind of works.  Multiply the scores and express the result and divide by 1000, express this as a percentage.  Have a go.  Anything less than 60% is too low for quick change.  The beauty of the division of issues is it shows you, as coach, where to help the client focus.

I don't think any client has ever come in and told me what their real issues or goals are at the first meeting.   Finding these only comes after the relationship has built, rapport is good and trust has developed.  And after I have asked quite a lot of questions.

Life is messy, and simple analysis will only take you so far as a coach.

More on goals next time around, in the meantime I hope you enjoyed this and try out the scoring on yourself.  Pick a meaningful issue or you will get a meaningless answer!  Do you even tell yourself the real issues?  I dare you to.

Best wishes

Rapport - How to Create It

Rapport is an essential element for a good coaching session.

At the heart of the issue is the ability of the coach to gain rapport.  Once established it can be used help the client change, to lead a change of energy, for example either to reduce stress or to raise enthusiasm.  It can be used by an adept coach to gain emotional engagement with an important issue for the client.

How do you create it?

I have never been convinced by the idea of deliberate physical matching.  The idea is that people in rapport are in sync, and body language, tonality, expression, volume, energy all start to match.  While the observation of this clearly true, I have always found attempts to match me rather obvious and they tend to put me on alert for manipulation rather than make me feel at ease. 

It does work if you want to break rapport; it is pretty easy to get out of an unwanted conversation by using opposite/disengaging body language.

I have found two principles from my own experience which I have found very useful however:

• Within the confidentiality of a client coaching session, accept your client as they are without judgement.
• Learn to focus your attention on the whole presentation you are receiving, including noticing how it is delivered.

The first bullet does not mean that legal obligations etc can be ignored, and professional ethics are an essential part of the coach's profile.  However within your ethical boundaries, witholding judgement and giving absolute acceptance of the client is a very powerful way to be influential, and to create rapport.

It is probably the hardest thing to do, in reality, as the urge to judge, to disagree, or to listen to and add your own opinion, is strong in many people.  The approach of acceptance counselling it is called "unconditional positive regard" and comes from a useful assumption that your client, regardless of how well things are going, is always doing their best. 

Acceptance of the person as they are has to be really meant, it is not something easily feigned, so it needs to be geniune.  This does not mean you will not have some tough truths to discuss.  However you have to earn the right to be heard and the starting point for this is to listen enough such that you understand as fully as possible, before working.

You may need to think about whether you can unconditionally accept yourself without judgement , before you will be able to be like this really well with clients.

The second bullet requires a quiet mind and a broader focus.  Attention should be to body language, facial expression, tone of voice, colour, volume, pace of speaking, and hand movements as well as their words.  A strategy I use is to broaden my focus to take in the whole person, and a good way to do this is to notice their breathing rate and see if you can match it.  Doing this can take you deeply into rapport very quickly and it is a lightly meditative technique that quiets the mind naturally and tends to allow the awareness to expand.  Try to notice and use the same language:  seeing, feeling, hearing language signals can easily be picked up and emulated.

It does take practice.  You can try it on the train, quietly and without intrusion, observing your fellow travellers and trying to get a sense of their breathing.  I also look for mixed messages when doing this - things that contradict can be good clues to hidden information.  The expression "I am very confident about this" supported by a very defensive bit of body language, is interesting.

A genuine and non-judgemental interest, coupled with quiet and broad attention to your client will tell you a lot and very quickly get you into their energy zone.  You will be surprised how quickly genuine rapport builds.

If you pick this information up well, and use it in your coaching, the listening and understanding of your client will go up and up and up.  Milton Erikson, the famous medical hypnotist and psychiatrist, suggested using 100% of the information one is given, and considering 100% of the problem.  It is a very useful suggestion.

When you have it, by, in neuro-linguistic programming terms, pacing the client's state, you can then gently lead the energy during your session, to your client's advantage.

Try it and let me know what you notice.

Rapport: How to establish it and what it can help you achieve

A high level of rapport between coach and client is essential for an affective coaching partnership.  Without it little can be achieved.   There is nothing particularly magical or special about gaining rapport - no mystery here - it is the most natural thing in the world and most people are in high rapport with friends, family and colleagues at least some if not most of each day.

You know when you have it.  It's great, time passes quickly, there is a buzz in your relationship, it feels smooth.   You also know that it can go surprisingly quickly and jagged frozen ice can return to a conversation due to a misunderstood word or even a look in the eye.  These comments are ridiculous generalisations, rapport comes in all shapes and sizes.  They are a common characterisation though, and helpful to ensure most readers quickly get what this is about.

I was once lucky enough to hear Dan Goleman, author of "Emotional Intelligence" and "Social Intelligence" speak about his work.  At the end of the talk I asked him what he thought the key to EI was, and he answered "self-awareness", without hesitation.   I have found that this is the key also to doing more with rapport.

A high degree of self-awareness is almost the antithesis of normal rapport, which is something that happens unconsciously most of the time.  However, if you allow rapport to arise with intention, you can also notice how it is working, and then practice finding the edges of it through your questions.  If you can explore a tough issue, while keeping rapport high, you can help your client deal with some significant learnings in that state.  To do this well, it is absolutely imperative that your self-awareness and and ability to manage your own state of mind is very high.

You can also use the memory of things achieved while in rapport to influence your client's behaviour in between coaching sessions.

If your role as a coach is to stretch, challenge, and help someone to grow in their own life, and the outcome for them is useful in business and relationships, understanding and using rapport will help you a lot.

Don't be fooled into thinking that this aspect of coaching is easy, or to be dismissed.  A coaching partnership is a dynamic relationship and there is intention, there is a learning goal.  A good coach will need to practice self-awareness and know how to make best use of their own mental and physical resources in order to be really affective.  Self-preparation before a session (for me) is not about what we are going to cover; it is about relaxing, becoming open and quiet, so that there is space for my attention to be fully placed on both myself and the client in the meeting.

It can be useful to have a theory about what the issues might be, but this can also lead you astray, so if you use pre-judgement, hold your judgements very lightly and open-mindedly.  It is for the client to say what is right and wrong, and pre-judging is often a mugs game!  Let it be a starting point only if you need one.

The structure of a coaching session could be described in a number of different ways.  From the point of view of state of mind and relationship, I use this:

Self preparation
Greeting and allowing rapport to build
Wait for the client to open
Deepen the rapport to work
Noticing the client's state, change my own to end working (they will follow suit, normally, especially if they agree that we are done)
Hold rapport until parting.
Self preparation, to gain distance
Write notes, break attention.

The rapport continues, in a number of different states of mind, throughout the session.  I have "lost it" by pushing too hard, giving my own opinions too early or too harshly, not having it in the first place.  All could be classified as not listening to the client well enough and not having the self-awareness to spot the bear pit coming up on the path!

What is rapport?

The word "Rapport" is a noun.  That means we think of it as a "thing" - something you have or don't have, something that can be created.  

Reflecting for a moment, you may realise you can also see rapport as a verb, something that you do rather than a noun, an object.  Rapport describes the process that happens, normally unconsciously, between two beings (it can be with your dog or cat!) as they come into synchronised states.

In most meetings there is a certain quick and shallow rapport; at its deepest level humans have been shown to experience high internal mental and physical congruence - our brain waves are shown to synchronise to each other and even our biochemical systems.  

So what we are using the word rapport to describe is the process by which human beings invisibly lock into deep interpersonal relationships.  It is pretty magic.

No doubt you have heard the fireside wisdom that you cannot change another, only change yourself.  Well I would amend the comment slightly to say you cannot help but influence others, its just that how they are influenced is normally their choice not yours.

I have most poignantly noticed this effect through bereavement.  If you have lost, through death or the ending of a major relationship, someone loved, then you may also have experienced the sudden loss of their synchronisation with you, their presence both physical and in your thoughts.  In these circumstances the loss of rapport is experienced as a physical and emotional shock, and boy do you change quickly.  Well, I did.

Reflect on what this might mean for a coaching partnership, and how the process of growth works in a relationship like this.

As I move through this blog series on coaching I hope you will come to appreciate the power of choice, and key role coaching can play in helping clients become aware of alternate choices, sometimes better choices, better strategies for profit, better strategies for people, better choices in relationships and so on.

It is all about becoming aware of choices.  For the coach, becoming aware of the process of rapport, and understanding more about how it works, how they influence and change the state of rapport for working, is a crucial foundation stone for a successful practice.

The theory, however, is all very well.  Go and practice!

That is it for rapport for now.  There is more to say in the next blog on building and using rapport.

What is Coaching?

Well, who knows?  It's hard to tie it down, right?

From my experience the work is so varied that to try and define it can become so general as to be useless.  Somedays it's just about being there listening and some I have to work very hard to help my client get an outcome.  Depending on the issue, you can be coach, teacher, motivator, counsellor: all of the above.

To break it down I just want to start simply with the relationship itself.

I am normally chosen as a coach by someone who has a motivation for growth or change.  I also choose my clients.  This mutual choice is crucial to a successful coaching partnership, and is one of the reasons I approach corporate coaching programmes with extra care, as the choices of both parties are open to question - and therefore so is the success of the programme.

How am I chosen?

Well, I do promote the service!  Don't get me wrong.  I am not saying you cannot sell in this field.  It seems to me unethical not to sell if you find people who might need your help.  A good doctor has to ask a lot of interesting questions to work out how best to orientate his work, and good questions help the patient express their problem and also can focus their understanding on its seriousness and impact.

So, having promoted I wait to be asked, and spend an hour with a potential client, or more...sometimes a day, with no charge, just working out if we can enter a coaching partnership.

There are a few key things that get established in that time:

Rapport - builds naturally during a conversation, and when it starts to build you know.
Trust - this follows naturally from a deepening of rapport.
Change potential - it is vital to me to assess the client's potential for change as I am not going to be around to shoot for the goals, they have to do that themselves.

My next posts here will dwell on each of these elements in more depth, I will also comment on how to create them.  For now, if you are following, have a think about your own coaching experiences and see what additional elements come to mind.  Share your thoughts if you wish.

Once these are established I will look to help and establish a programme.  Once these things are established, it does not matter what I do to prepare for coaching session, as my client's quietly and often unconsciously prepare as they anticipate, and journey to see me.  They enter the coaching session with their issues already bubbling up to be shared.  

All I have to do is be open to what they are saying, and know how to follow their whole meaning.

Coming next - Rapport, how to establish it and what it can help you achieve.

Nick Mayhew - Coach

Great Coaching for Business

After years of successfully coaching business leaders, I feel ready to share some of the techniques and ideas I have learned through the school of hard knocks, from great teachers, and from my clients.

Please feel free to ask questions, share your thoughts with me, or to improve and criticise the ideas that follow.

People have so much potential, and yet realise so little of what they have.  It is a great privilege to be a coach.  To be invited to share someone's challenges, deep fears, and hopes has always been fulfilling for me.  To join them in the coaching partnership and help them move forwards in life, has always been a real thrill.

I publish this to share what I have learned and with the intention it might be read and found useful by budding and experienced coaches, clients and anyone who wishes to improve the choices in their life.

May it be so.

Nick Mayhew - Coach